Again: Names have been changed to protect the guilty. I still love you and don’t be angry.
All good things to me include:
Long walks on the beach.
Drinks at sunset.
Slow dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing on table tops.
And oddly enough….
Poking things with a stick…..that don’t need to be poked.
Sometimes, I can’t help myself….
Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm!
The Nose has returned to the Martini Bar!
Yes, boys and girls, get you’re sticks out cause we’re going to go poking around.
Order up two shots cause we’re going for a ride and it’s going to be rough.
M E O W.
(Better make that a double M E OW and get out the hand sanitizer.)
THE PREVIOUS evening The Nose and I spoke for a bit and should you need the details, you’ll need to consult my previous blog.
Back in the saddle and looking for love, The Nose was deploying his creepy muskrat of the ocean moves and prowling the throat of one middle aged woman sitting at the bar. This was off-putting, yet quite intriguing as The Nose was a vile and filthy creature who was very obviously an openly gay man and this was a public place.
Have I fallen down that damn rabbit hole….yet again? I’m down this hole so often you’d think I’d have frequent flyer privileges at this point. Upgrades? Why yes, thank you.
Well, how is this going to turn out?
Immediately, this little spit-fire (that would be me for those of you who are ADD or ADHDA or whatever and can’t follow along) has sounded the alarm The Nose from last night has returned and he is making out with a woman!
Every single person I alerted had the same response: WHAT?! Are you sure? Where? How can that be? Making out with a woman?
All eyes were plastered to what is now a FOURSOME at the end of the bar. Please, let me introduce to you the players, who will become oh so important for you to know:
The Nose. The Middle Aged Woman. The Other Man. The Younger Girl.
Cue the mystery music….
Time marches on and we’re all having fun. Of course, this is how it always starts right? I look down the bar…towards the Fab Four. The Nose…..is kissing the neck of The Other Man. Up his neck. His ear. Biting his ear lobe. Back down his neck. They’re laughing. Okay. I can handle this. It’s fine. Two lovers. Okay, they’re together. Well then, who the hell are these two ladies? The Nose is now all over The Middle Aged Woman again. The Younger Girl is giggling and laughing. The Other Man is clearly entertained. I’m so confused. Maybe the four of them are traveling together?
I have no idea.
I don’t care.
I’m going back to my drinks and enjoying the evening. Minding my own business.
Suddenly Bernice motions for me to come and join her and our friend Cece from Alaska. Both of them look like they’ve been told they’ll have to repeat eighth grade and the teachers only speak Latin. WTF? Bernice grabs my arm and tells me in a very German like manner to: S I T. SIT DOWN!
Like an obedient petite Pitbull, cause I’d like to think that’s what I would be if I were to be a dog, if there were such a breed, …with rhinestone studded PINK collar of course – duh – I sit immediately.
Bernice and Cece both without saying a word just point to the bar. I turn my head to the left.
HOLY FUCK! ARE YOU?! MOTHER! *&^%^$ *#&)! !!! &^%$^$!!!
Let’s just say, I don’t need to see such things….. at EYE LEVEL.
My eyeballs have been scorched out of their sockets.
The Nose has….
I mean really….
My tear ducts have shriveled up into twigs.
The Other Man.
At MY eye level.
The Other Man….has his hand down The Nose’s jeans…..fondling his ass!
Now they’re going to switch! Let me put my hand down the back of your jeans.
R E A L L Y….
It’s porn right in front of my eyes. (Now if it were a hot couple, okay. But not this.)
>>>> time out <<<<<<
>>>>> I have to put my head between my knees <<<<<<<
Okay, so I’m all for going down the front of the pants. Yes, I said it. I’ll give you that. It’s fun for you and me….especially if you can get away with it in public…..There’s all kinds of fun things to be found in the frontal regions.
M E O W to the tenth degree.
But your ass….in public? Really? O M G. Did you smell that? What was that odor?
Behind closed doors, ride that ass like it’s a fucking bucking bronco boys. I don’t need to see this display at the bar.
Smelling salts anyone?
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Immediately, I launch myself out of my seat…..and land about 40 feet away, hyperventilating and leaving Bernice and Cece to deal with this performance which continued for quite some time. I ordered another martini, downed it and enjoyed yet another.
About ten, fifteen, twenty minutes later…..Bernice and Cece managed to pry themselves away from their seats (I don’t know how they lasted so long in their spectator box seats – ahem) but they eventually joined the rest of us.
This is when I learned another friend of ours, having discovered The Fabulous Foursome….wanted to “push the envelope” with The Nose.
WHAT? I mean who fucking does that?
He can’t help himself.
He decided he wanted to see if he could he convince The Nose to buy him a drink. Yeah sure and if The Nose says yes, Randy becomes a sex slave for the night. THEN what the hell do you do – OMG! The night would have lead to wild acrobatics in front of floor to ceiling mirrors and a swing above the bed. Double bends and feet behind heads. Hold this while I bend this over that.
Images gone wild in my head…..one moment please…..
Randy no doubt, sauntered up in his expertly designed and detailed blue suit and asked if The Nose would buy him a drink…..looking oh so cute and batting his baby-blues as only Randy can do…..making your knees go weak.
Survey says: DENIED.
It’s okay Randy, we still love you and still think you’re cute.
Next drink is on me.
After hearing this story we turn around to see Cece at the bar chatting up The Middle Aged Woman. Good god people, leave The Fabulous Foursome alone! Clearly they are only into themselves and do not want our involvement into their torrid love affairs! I mean really, do we want to be involved? I don’t and I’ve even had my tetanus shots thank you!
Cece is chatting away, chatting away. I mean truly, it could be the Alaskan thing. I spent 18 years in Alaska and we do some weird shit in the winters. So this may be some kind of weird calling…..on the high seas….but come on…..I HIGHLY doubt it…these are strangers. We don’t swing with strangers.
Our little group by this time has broken out into a full on Super Bowl sweat. We’ve ordered another round of martinis and are now actually patting the sweat away from under our armpits and upper lips with the tiny cocktail napkins. WHAT is she doing? Our imaginations are clearly getting the best of us.
When it’s gets to this point there is only one thing to do….send in The Minxy.
I march right up to the bar and lean in to hear what she’s saying. I lean in so close I push her and her hand bag out of the way. All under the guise of trying to get the bartender’s attention. (Now you know my trick incase I’m listening to your conversation.)
It’s a partial relief that she isn’t asking to join them. On the other hand…..what is she promoting? Safe sex? I’m only catching bits and pieces:
“Just saying. For your own good. Of course.”
Staying just long enough to realize she isn’t making a pack to sell herself into an evening of bondage I walk back to the group and give the all clear sign: SHE’S FINE!
Cece returns to tell us what her conversation was all about.
Apparently, Miss Manners aka Cece felt compelled to share peace and love with The Middle Aged Woman and advise her of the historical antics of The Nose from the prior evening. Cece told her, “If you’re not careful, THIS could turn into a foursome.”
The Middle Aged Woman greatly appreciated all of Cece’s concerns and took each and every one of them to heart. This resolved Cece of her resolve for doing the right thing and for sounding the alarm to a complete stranger. Which by all means is the right thing to do….if you have a conscience. The MIddle Aged Woman told her there was certainly nothing to worry about. Although they were having a great evening together – THIS is where the buck stops.
There will be NO Foursome, I am traveling with my daughter.
I do believe the next words out of Cece’s mouth were, “Another Fresca Martini Please!”
The rest of us looked at one another. Nodded and said in unison, “to the disco!”
This was the last we saw of The Nose