Your husband’s tie got stuck inside your gym shorts – thanks to static electricity. Or is that your child’s sock hanging out your backside?
First of all, I know the fashion trend segment on the Today Show said winter whites are the style to have this season. I think they were talking about pants and skirts. Not gym shorts. If they were talking about shorts, I’m willing to bet they were talking about a nice gabardine wool blend that would look darling when pieced together with a sweater for a trip to the local museum. NOT, thin, barely there, single ply cotton gym shorts from the ’80s. I’m sorry, but your shorts have the weight of a handkerchief.
Apparently this not-so-young-lady was confused and thought my gym was the newest Hooter’s location. As I passed by her – she was on the stairclimber closest to the aisle way. Slowly bouncing along, with her butt cheeks peeking out to jiggle a “hello” to everyone who passed her. Really? I stopped short and looked around. Did I accidentally end up in a gym for men, where the encouragement is nearly naked women on cardio machines? I hate when I trip down that damn rabbit hole.
To top things off, she’s on her cell phone. On the stairclimber. Okay, if you’re a doctor, which there are a few at my gym – I understand the need to keep your phone close. I fully support the doctors taking phone calls and recommending an increase in medications or having to dash to the hospital for a patient. I would expect them to take phone calls – that’s their job, to be available! However, to trudge along on the cardio equipment and pant out a conversation, at the top of your lungs because nobody talks quietly on cell phones, what skirt you’re going to wear to dinner and your conflict on which nail polish shade to choose – is stupid. And annoying.
As I begin my cool down and stretching routine, I look up in the mirror and notice, with a horror that turns the water in my stomach like a washing machine on an extended spin cycle….she’s wearing a blue thong.
“&^%$ are you kidding me?”… I mutter as I fall out of balance in my quadricep stretch and nearly crack my head open on the handlebar of the stationary bike next to me. Enough. I’m done. Put that away. I don’t want to see that now or anytime later.
Recently, my gym put up signs (yes, multiple) in the ladies locker room that proper gym attire means wearing a full shirt. Walking around the gym floor in a sports bra does not constitute a full shirt. When I got back to the locker room I added, “no see through shorts permitted due to potential blinding of other gym members.”
I’d also like to put a sign up in the mens locker room that advises them if they have enough body hair to appear like a relative of Sasquatch, tank tops are not permitted….a full shirt is required. Glistening, sweaty, body hair is about as appealing as having to drink a glass of buttermilk.
I just threw up a little.