Tag Archives: roach

Just a Quick Merp.

I love sleep.

It doesn’t always love me.

Which is disappointing, cause I’m pretty sure given the proper coaching, I could become a World Champion Sleeper.  Seriously.  The downside is I’d have to wear earplugs cause I’m a light sleeper.  If the cat farts, I wake up.

Besides sleeping for your health, I love to sleep because my dreams are usually AWESOME.  Yes, I dream in color.  I dream a lot about animals.  Bears are the most frequent animal in my dreams.  All kinds.  My dreams are usually crazy and involve lots of running and searching for things.

I love my dreams.

When I get a cold I can’t wait to go to bed just so I can take NyQuil.  OMG if you think my dreams are good normally…..NyQuil send them to the tenth power.  Amazing.  The colors, the details….phenomenal.  Which makes me think if I would ever try pot…..I can only imagine what my reaction would be…..probably a blubbering mess….which we don’t need to experience.  Thank you.

Last night I was having trouble sleeping as my mind was too busy talking to itself about work and life and Florida and art and the books I’m reading and work and the new Despicable Me movie coming out and work and so on.  After about 30 minutes I got up and took an OTC sleeping pill.  Actually, I take 1/4 of a pill because if I do any more I can’t get up in the morning.  This is literally the generic pill from Costco and it kicks my ass.  If I take 1/2 to a whole one I can’t function at all the next day.  Period.  This must be what bears take to hibernate all winter…..

At some point in the middle of the night I hear my child, Liggy….chattering.  The best way for me to describe Liggy chattering is to say:  Imagine a cat with Tourettes.  Short little bursts of Me.  Yeo.  Me. Ow.  Mur.  Ph.  Ye.  Ye. Wer.  Me.

A visual of the Liggy.  She’s is a dog trapped in a cat’s body.  She weighs 18 pounds and has an enormous body and a tiny little head.  Her tail is a giant feather boa of a thing.  She thinks she’s a Marilyn Monroe the way she whips that thing around sometimes.

So she’s chattering at the “whip it stick.”  Which is one of those cat toys that has the long stick with a feather on a string at the end.  Apparently, she and the stick have a love / hate relationship that can only be discussed in the middle of the night.

The routine always goes:

Eventually she chatters enough at the stick that she wakes me up.

I listen to her conversation to verify it’s a Whip It chat and nothing more.

I call out to her and tell her it’s okay, come to bed.

She gives the stick one last, MURP.

Then she comes running into the bedroom and jumps on the bed.

Sometimes she gets under the covers and sometimes not.  (Guess it depends on her conversation with the stick.)

So the other night she was howling at the stick.  Really giving it the what for.  Damn that stick.  The nerve!  Apparently, as I saw in the morning, she was trying to get it into the bedroom and it got caught up and therefore couldn’t be dragged into the dark cave with the rest of us.  Liggy read that stick the riot act.  Up one side and down the other.    Good job, you tell that stick.

Good grief.

Damn stick.

So going back to last night……

I have my 1/4 of a OTC sleeping pill and am off to happy dream land.

Mew.

Mrp.  Ye.  Yew.  Me.  Ow.  Meow.  Merp.

I wake up and realize it’s the whip it stick again.  I tell Liggy that it’s okay to come to bed. I try the tsk-tsk-tsk sound.  Nothing.  I reassure her it’s okay to come to bed.  Nothing.  Just a few little Merp Merps.

Then all hell breaks loose.

I can hear her pitching a full on fit about something.  Really telling something off.  Then I hear her running.  The whole time she’s yelling at something.

At this point I know one of three things have happened, I leap up out of bed and start calling her:

“Liggy, come here.  It’s okay.  What’s wrong?  You’re okay.  Come here.”

I can hear her running at me while Merping and Yewling.

Something is wrong and I’m thinking great…..either……she’s chasing a roach, which the thought leaves me lightheaded, she’s being chased by a lizard, which makes me throw up a little or she’s got something stuck to her butt.

Since she’s a big girl with long hair, it happens.  Sometimes the hiney-monster comes and visits.  Once a year tends to be the visit cycle.  The first time it happened I nearly peed myself laughing so hard.  She had swallowed some string and when she went to poop a clump got stuck and all the string didn’t come out so she tore through the house with this piece of poop attached to the string, flying from side to side hitting her.  OMG.  It was hysterical for the humans.  Liggy, however, ended up in therapy for the next two years.

Poor thing.

So you can imagine my anxiety when she’s carrying on about something, running at me and I’m trying to get to the light.

Finally I throw the bedroom light on and she’s standing at the foot of the bed looking at me.

Blink.  Blink.  Merp.  Blink.  Erp.

I ask her what the hell is going on.  I pat her down like she’s a felon and she’s fine.  I don’t see anything chasing her or being chased (thank you God) and then I turn my head to the bedroom door.

Seriously Liggy?

She was so proud of herself.

I looked at her, shook my head, turned off the light and climbed back into bed.

Liggy, enough, it’s bed time.  You did a good job, time for bed.

What was all the commotion about?   She was over the moon delighted with herself because she finally managed to get the damn whip it stick into the bedroom.

OMG Liggy it’s 1:20AM.  Step away from the whip it stick.

Too Much People. Too Much.

In Alaska, we like a wide berth.  In fact, several of us commented on it while waiting on line at the Costco pharmacy.    You could have driven a shopping cart around us like we were pylons.  Alaskans don’t need to be close enough to one another to know whether or not the person next to them is wearing deodorant.  The more space the better.  An arms distance is the norm.

Not so in Miami.

They like everything close.  Cars, shopping carts, people…close.

A few weeks ago I went to Aventura Mall, which is conveniently located just minutes from my new home.  Juneau doesn’t have a real mall so I thought this could be fun.   Within ten minutes I was hyperventilating and trying to find the nearest potted palm tree arrangement so I could lay down amongst the fronds.

Chaos doesn’t describe it accurately.   Organized mayhem, perhaps.  Don’t stop walking cause the person behind you is going to use you as a welcome mat and go right up over you.  Don’t stop to look at anything unless you plan your exit from the pack in advance.

It was truly a herd mentality.  The weakest one in the herd is usually left behind for the hyenas and Aventura Mall is no exception.

A highlight, for me at the mall, was discovering in one of the fountain ponds….a group of enormous Koi.  Yes, my first thought was….”if this was Alaska there’d be 10 people in there trying to catch these fish.”  They were as long as my arm and as round as my thigh.  Not something to be messed with.  I was amazed nobody was in there wading around with a lasso.

I’ve been here for almost two months and I’ve been nervously anticipating my first wildlife encounter.   By wildlife, I’m referring to things that are going to leap out and scare the shit out of me when I’m not expecting it.

Actually,  I’ve been planning to encounter them in this order:

Silverfish.

Centipedes.

Lizards.

Roaches.

Flying roaches.

Rats.

Snakes.

There are a lot of rat hotels.  They go in but don’t come out.  You see them everywhere.   Big plastic boxes with giant holes on each side. I saw a dead rat on my way to work one day – on the side of the road.  Too big for a mouse.  Too small for a cat.

I can mark off iguana lizard and tiny little lizard.

The other day I brought in from the garage a suitcase (like a big duffle bag) that had my shoes in the top and began to unpack it.

I pulled out about 4 shoes when all of the sudden I saw a flash of brownish red coloring the size of my big toe – scurry across the bottom of the bag.

I think my immediate response was something like:

WWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

WWWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHH!

FUCK!

All the while running through the house, flapping my arms and jumping up and down like some kind of kid hopped up on pure sugar.

Thankfully Eric was here visiting for Easter (as a surprise) and came running towards me.  He thought I had injured myself – like cut my arm off – to use his words.  He grabbed me and asked what happened.

I couldn’t stop.

I stood in front of him and continued leaping around….. one knee up to my chest and then another –I was standing still – jumping hurdles like an Olympic gold medalist – while shaking my hands like a kindergartener who can’t get the glue off.

He went in to “capture the beast” and asked for a plastic cup and paper towel.  I gave him the tools and then stood in the other room.  When he captured the villain he asked for duct tape – to cover the top of the cup before disposal.

Why?

Apparently, you don’t want to squish and kill them in case it’s a female and then their eggs are everywhere.

THIS is when I decided it was best to put my head between my knees and ponder, “how the hell am I going to do this by myself?”

You are shitting me right?

Nope.

Eric continues to clean out the suitcase of shoes – checking each shoe for visitors.  I sit on the bed – safely out of reach of any flying creatures.  Suddenly something moves on the bag.  I immediately start screaming…..

WWWWWAHHHHH!

Eric jumps…..”Where?  Where?”

Oh.  Sorry.  False alarm.  Cat fuzzy.  Sorry.  Cat fur fluffy thing….right there.  Sorry.

Awkward.

Jesus, I need a shot of vodka.

Then I learn about Banana Spiders – which are not threatening.  I looked them up online.  They’re large but thin – like a Daddy Long Leg.  That’s okay.  But then I hear about the Wolf Spiders.  They jump at their prey.  Seriously?  The photo via Google….the Wolf Spider was AS BIG AS THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

Just thinking about it makes my mouth go dry and I feel a little woozy.  Is it getting dark in here?

The first time one of those enormous Palmetto bugs or flying cockroaches lands on me — they’re going to have to call the Paramedics to peel me off the ceiling like a fruit roll up.  I’ll then spend the next 30 days in a psychiatric ward….Raid Spray cans in each hand and a back pack filled with back ups.

I’m sorry but any insect creature I can dress up in a small dog’s outfit is too big.