Tag Archives: noisy eaters

Suck on This!

Oral fixations.

Babies have them.  They’ll put anything into their mouth.

Dogs have them.  They’ll chew on anything.

Turkey vultures have them.  They’ll eat anything rubber off your car.

I have an oral fixation.

Boys, get your mind out of the gutter.  It’s not that kind of oral fixation.  Although for you, that’s a oral visual stimulation fixation.  Yes, I agree. Some woman do look better when they have something in their mouth – mainly because it shuts them up.  But, I won’t go down that road right now.

It’s the NOISE that comes out of that orifice that irritates the shit out of me.

Please. Don’t even start with your tsk, tsk, tsk and tell me to be more patient and understanding of those around me – you can just sit down and listen up.  There are people in this world who are ignorant of their personal noise levels and their disruption to my peace and quiet.

I’m talking about those cheeky little fuckers who give no thought to their mouthy acoustics.  There are no words strong enough to describe the annoyance.  They’re simply being:

Insensitive.

Obnoxious.

Barbaric.

Impolite.

Cheeky Little Fucker Case #1:  

Decible Level 70

funny ostrich

Were these people raised by hyenas?

Nope, must have been ostriches.

Let’s see how much food you can stuff into that hole and then  try and carry on a conversation…shall we?

1….2…..3…..GO!

Fail.

I enjoy nothing more than someone stuffing their mouth full of food and THEN talking to me.   Could you not wait two minutes to come and speak to me?  After you swallowed  whatever that is you have crammed into your hole?  Apparently, not.  That’s just great.  Cause you know not only do I understand everything perfectly, but I also really enjoy when the bits and pieces of soggy whatever the hell that is….. come flying out of  your mouth.

It’s even better when you have SO MUCH crammed in there – you have to actually move it from side to side in order to talk.  Looking at you, you’d think you’re working on a giant wad of chew in your jaw.  Nope, that’s just your fucking tuna sandwich.

Are you kidding me?

It happened the other day and it was all I could do to dig my hands into my chair – to keep my own trap shut.  I was on the verge of saying:  “You sound like you have a mouth full of sweat socks.  Can you please finish your danish and then talk to me.”

We’re adults people – use your common sense.

Cheeky Little Fucker Case #2:

Decibel Level 110

fingers down chalkboark

What is worse than the stuffed mouth full of food issues?  Combine it with a nasally voice.  Add an accent.  Include VOLUME.  Oh and for giggles, let’s just as a cherry on top.  This voice is like nails down a chalkboard.

On a regular day her voice, to me, could unscrew lightbulbs  out of the socket.

Combine it with her eating, what I can only imagine as Andre the Giant sized bites and then talking loudly to her co-workers.  It’s enough to make me pack up and leave my cubicle.  Enough.  I’m done.

It’s that or I’m going to start shouting SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!

This woman constantly, constantly, constantly…..sends me over the edge.  I could leap the Eiffel Tower in a single bound when it starts.  My one remaining nerve gets such a workout with her that it packs up and leaves before I can even get my headphones out of the drawer.

When I do get the headphones out, I don’t know which music to listen to….something calming like Enya?  Spa relaxation channel?  Give the spa three minutes.  Click.  Not feeling it.  I switch over to something with a little more edge….to match my burned out nerve.  Eminem does the trick. UFC music channel….excellent.

Cheeky Little Fucker Case #3:  

Decibel Level 90

false teeth

False teeth?

No teeth?

Something in your teeth?

For the love of humanity far and wide, do us all a favor – excuse yourself and go brush your fucking teeth and remove whatever god awful boulder is in your cavity that is causing you to suck and slurp like a hooker trying to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

The sucking noises have got to stop immediately.  

IMMEDIATELY.

Rule #23 in life: When you have people in your office don’t suck your teeth.  And while I can’t see….I am going to gamble a bet that this person is probably fishing around in their mouth trying to pick out the offending seed of mayhem.

Just.

Stop.

It.

That’s correct, I can only gamble a guess because I never see it.  I only hear it.  Occurs on the other side of the cubicle wall.  God help me.

You’re wondering the same thing I am aren’t you?  If they find the pick – do they eat it?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  It makes me nauseous thinking about it.  I would rather watch guts and gore than see that crap.  Like picking your nose and eating it.

Cheeky Fucker Case #4:  

Decible Level 85

noisy eater

I don’t need to say anything.

You get the picture.

Eating is not supposed to  a recital of your orifice’s abilities to entertain various types of food items and their forms.

Same goes for those of you who moan and groan through your meals.  If you’re going to climax during any course – appetizer to dessert – you need to order room service or go eat in the closet.  They probably have private clubs devoted to food orgies, which I suggest you research but I’m not interested so keep it to yourself, so I too can enjoy my meal.

Those of you who have issues with people who can’t eat in a civilized manner – those who smack their lips, suck their teeth, click their tongues, moan and burp.you have my permission to get up and move away when they sit next to you.

When the offender sits with you, simply choose one of these excuses to move away:

“I’m sorry, my phone is ringing.  Excuse me.”

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m multitasking today.  Meditating and eating.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m trying to be more in touch with my insensitive side.  Excuse me.”

“The baby is upset today….sorry.”

Then leave.

Enough people.  Just knock it off and respect others.  Get a clue.

Suck on something worth while.

Insanity at the Movies

I enjoy going to the movie theater.

Larger than life image of Johnny Depp – meow.

Spending a couple of hours out-smarting the bad guys with Matt Damon – thrilling.

Playing on the beach and swirling martinis with Daniel Craig – yes please.

Spending a few hours at the movie theater is a nice break from reality.  You can be anything you want to be in a movie.

Hot cougar seductress – check.

Alien battling space explorer – check.

Crazed psycho serial killer – check.

Dream chasing hopeful – check.

Joining the minions in their quest to conquer the world – check.

The list goes on and on.  There is something out there for everyone – it doesn’t matter what your interests are in the world – the movies have you covered.

Walking into the theater, the smell of popcorn is almost as tantalizing as smoking after sex.  Of course, I’m not a smoker, except for an occasional cigar to celebrate special events.  Confession: I have one cigar a year – when the last cruise ship for the season sails off into the Alaskan sunset.  A group of us light ’em up and wave farewell from the pier.

Back to the theater…

I’m not a candy type of girl, but that glistening buttered popcorn just makes my mouth water.  It probably comes from the same source as McDonald’s french fries – laced with trace amounts of crack cocaine.  Ridiculous.  People talk about being addicted to drugs or alcohol – I’m thinking french fries and movie popcorn are just as addicting.  Just rub me down with the butter and let me lick myself.  Or, better yet, slather me up with the butter and let Johnny Depp or Daniel Craig lick it off.

I do have one fear inside the movie theater.  Not that I have ever seen one….but a mouse running over my feet scares me.  If I was a mouse, I would live in a theater.  Popcorn.  Milk Duds.  Nachos with fake cheese.  Soft pretzel bits with fake cheese….all things that would make me  one happy little fat, fuzzy mouse.  I’d have to find a little wheel to attach to my belly as I’d be so fat, my little belly would be dragging on the floor.  You’ve felt those floors!  Stand still for too long and you’re not going anywhere.  I am certainly not going to have my underbelly waxed by melted gummy bear sugars.  AND that’s the reason this mouse would be wearing pink ballet slippers….thank you very much.

I’ve sent a note to the FBI, as I’ve discovered a new torture technique.  They have missed the boat without a doubt on one superb method:  noise in movie theaters.

People.

Please.

You’re killing me.

Could it be that I have bat like hearing?  Perhaps.

Could it be a ploy of the psychiatric board of America to annoy the shit out of citizens so they have to spend hundreds of dollars on drugs to calm their nerves?  Possibly.

Could it be everyone else in the rest of the theater is just rude?  Likely.

Oh. My. God.  If you jab your hand into that vat of popcorn and rummage around one more time like some desperate shopaholic at the end of season Nordstrom’s sale, I am going to leap up out of my seat and slap you.

I’ll move so fast, it’ll be like the scene from Kill Bill Vol. 1 when O-Rhen-Ishi (Lucy Lui) leaps up on the boardroom table and severs the head of the crime lord who decided to question her mixed Chinese heritage.  Oops.  One of my most favorite parts in my most favorite movie.

Don’t make me say sorry.

Do you really need to get the VERY LAST KERNEL IN THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE BUCKET?  First off, did you really need that bucket to begin with?  Doubtful.  Then said annoyance SHOVELS the popcorn into their mouth like a CAT Front Loader.  Wow.  Don’t get near that person kids, you’re likely to lose a hand.

Wait.  Let me guess.  Your dining room is carpeted with a beautiful blue plastic tarp or maybe even a soft, painters cloth.  It catches all the food that doesn’t make it to your mouth and it’s then re-purposed into a mix for tomorrow night’s snack.

I don’t think even desperate cannibals are this sloppy.

Then there are the people who chow down on candy, chips, popcorn, hot dogs, pretzels, air….it doesn’t matter….they’re smacking their lips like a herd of hippos going through a mud bath. For cripes sake – get a grip and control yourselves.  If I am 15 rows away and can hear you chewing your cud – you are too fucking loud.

SMACK!

S+M+A+C+K

S*M*a*c*K

SMACK!

Did you think they said “Who wants a planner?” When they really asked, “Who wants manners?”  in school?  Did your parents just unhinge your jaw and shovel the food down your hatch…..like a slippery slide and naked girls?  Dear lord, give me the strength not to UFC that person in the 34th row.

The talking.

Has.

To.

Stop.

Your whispers are as loud as Sister Loretta Ann’s farts in eighth grade.  I can HEAR you….you FREAK!  I’m totally sure Jackie needs to hear how David thought she was the best kisser at the bonfire.  I’m totally sure they make a super cute couple and will get married and have a ton of kids but you know what….we don’t care.  Shut. It.  When I turn around and say: SHUT UP!  That’s a clue….. we STILL don’t care.

I carry duct tape and I’m not afraid to use it.  Continue with your obnoxiously loud conversation and I will go through this theater, ending up standing on the arm rests of your chair faster than you can say, “there’s an alien in my chest.”

Got it?

Good.

Shut it.

Do these people behave just as poorly at home?  Emily Post would be horrified.  Where is the common sense?  The common decency?  Usually most people have enough common sense not to throw used toilet paper on the floor in a rest room…why is it they lose all decency in a movie theater?

Never mind.

I just figured it out.

It’s the lack of lighting.

Darkness = you can’t see me.

If you can’t see me = I can’t see you.

If I can’t see you = I can’t annoy you.

And if you could provide me with the address of the rabbit hole you just fell down, I’m sure Geraldo Rivera would love to do a segment on your cave’s revelations.

Don’t even get me started on the great movie crinklers.  Crinkle the plastic wrap the Snow Caps come in.  Crinkle the bag the gummy bears are encased in.  Crinkle the heavy duty coating the liquorice  is housed inside.   It’s enough to make my ears bleed.  I can’t even discuss it without requiring a dose of tequila.

Note to self: bring ear plugs the next time you go to the theater and a rubber mallet.