Tag Archives: movies

So. How You Liking Miami?

Over the last few days several people have asked me the same thing.  It’s always with hesitation they ask.


l o n g        p a u s e      h e r e

“How you liking Miami?”

Then I swear they hold their breath and squint their eyes.  Waiting for me to sucker punch them or something.  It’s quite odd.

My response?

It’s fine.  Honestly, I have nothing to really compare it to logically.  It’s completely different from anything I’ve experienced in the last 18 years.  Below, I thought I’d take a moment or ten, to tell you what I think…..

First off.  It is the polar opposite of living in Juneau, Alaska.

  1. People here use umbrellas.  In Juneau, we use the hoods on our coats and tough it out.    A little rain never hurt anyone.
  2. However, the rain in Miami is a torrential downpour that floods streets and the car wipers don’t go fast enough.  Thunder, lightening and rivers…..30 minutes later and we’re done with the rain.  Out of Mother Nature’s system and moving on to better things.
  3. Lots of things I don’t need to see.  Such as that lady’s nipple, as she waited for the crosswalk signal.  Her bikini top was just a little off kilter.  Or that lady in front of me on my golf course walk, with the wrinkled and saggy skin…..with her short shorts tucked up on the sides under her thong (not kidding) so anyone behind her could see the loose bags of skin that used to be her butt cheeks…..but more like an overcooked potato skin….flopping around under her shorts.  She would have made a better impression keeping the shorts down and covering the cheeks.
  4. I’ve never seen so many BMW, Audi, Mercedes, Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche, Lexus and Cadillacs in one area.  So much so that I have forgotten what a Subaru looks like, let alone a pick up truck.
  5. If you are trying to grow an alien out of your stomach, hip or butt…..please, encase that in spandex, we all need to see that.  And it’s better if you can encase it in spandex that has horizontal stripes.  See below:
  6. One day I went to work in a new work outfit.  Gone are the jeans and hiking boots.  I now wear dresses, skirts and platform heels.  I texted my cousin and said, “I think I picked the wrong skirt it seems tight and short.”  Her reply, “you are in Miami it’s all about butts and boobs.”  Noted.
  7. The land of 18 languages.  Russian, French, Czech, Yiddish and oh yeah… Spanish.
  8. Hey!  It’s not all Asian food here!  What a break!
  9. It starts to drizzle and the traffic slows down from 80 mph to 40mph.  I’m the only one weaving in and out of traffic at that point.
  10. Whole cases of freshly cut fruit at the grocery stores.  Not to mention the celebrity sightings there too.
  11. Beaches without rocks.  A novelty.
  12. Sunshine.  Lots of sunshine.
  13. I can get a manicure for $15.00 and a full service pedicure for $20.  Seriously.  With a massaging recliner chair to boot.
  14. Costco…..easily twice the size of ours.  I can get my prescription, fresh flowers, produce, gas, eyeglasses AND funeral casket all in one place.

It has been interesting.  Yes, living in the suburbs of Miami definitely has it’s challenges.  The traffic is something fierce but you learn to work around it.  The people aren’t always the nicest but you deal with it.  For example if I start talking to people in the grocery or Costco people automatically know I’m not from here and it either gets them interested in where I’m from or causes them to choose another check out lane.

My job is great.  I love my job.  It’s tough.  Every day is a challenge and you don’t know what’s coming next.  I’ve never slept so good – all because I’m mentally drained by the time I get home at night.

Working for a giant company is definitely odd.  The closest thing I have to compare it to is working for the State of Alaska.  Huge machine and we’re only responsible for the left big toe portion.  I’ve met two of the presidents, which is very exciting.  One of which thought I brought a great conversation to the table!  Okay!  Believe it or not he is British and I actually got about every third word he said —- rather than my usual every sixth word.

I laugh a lot every day and yet there are still lots of things I need to learn.  When the VP says, “DO IT.”  I at first think, “really?  He can’t be serious.”  No, really, he is serious.  This is soooo backwards from what I’m used to that it takes me a bit to roll it around before I swallow and say, “okay, well if he’s serious, then hell yeah!  Let’s do this.”

Many times people have asked me, “what do you do on the weekends?”  I am here by myself and it makes people worry about my sanity and social life.  The first thing I tell people is this is the SECOND time I’ve packed up and moved somewhere I didn’t know anyone or anything.  How do you think I ended up in Alaska for 18 years?  I’m a Philly girl!  Come on!

Second thing I have to tell people:  I’m an only child.

I was taught to fend for myself since third grade.  True.  While others in this world need outside people to complete them….I am comfortable doing my own thing, on my own time at my own speed.  Often times people are dumbfounded when I tell them I do all kinds of things by myself.

I take myself out to dinner and not just fast food.  Sit down, order a glass of wine, salad, dinner etc.  When I walk up to the hostess stand I always tell them, “I am a giant party of one.”  The facial expression is priceless!  What a relief!

I have gone to movies and art museums by myself.

I have even gone to theatre productions by myself in major cities.

It’s no big deal to me.  I can do it.  Contrary to what is difficult to lots of people in this world…..I am very, very comfortable being with myself.  By myself.  I don’t need a giant circle of people to validate me or my actions.  Here I am….love me or not….it’s not my problem.

Yes, I have a small circle of friends, around this globe and they are what matters.  I don’t need a huge friend base of 200 people to make me feel valued or accomplished.  I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old and I’m proud to say I’m quite independent.

So when people are astonished I can do this life in Miami, by myself, I am perplexed because to me, this is a huge adventure.  I may take myself on a 3 mile walk and enjoy my thoughts or music as I go.  Maybe I will drive to Barnes & Noble and get lost for a few hours in the shelves of books.  There’s a great movie out….maybe I will treat myself to snacks and a glass of wine then hit the movie.  I have signed up for Conversational Spanish at the college and have a GroupOn for pole dancing lessons – all on my own.  No big deal.

I go to the gym at work during the week – first thing in the morning.  Do my work, on the third floor of the 1080 building until 6:30 or 7:00 at night and head home.  At home I cook a nice healthy meal, watch some tv or read….play Words with Friends and then off off to bed.  Rewind and repeat the next day.

The complex I’m in has a pool, if I should choose to jump in, but that’s not for me yet.

Yes, there are massages and nail appointments.  My new hair stylist Greta is great!  I have been to the beach once in all my time here….go figure.  But have enjoyed my balcony and potted plants just as much.  I have my usual weekly chores and food shopping to get through.  Snore.

It all comes from how you were raised.  My mom made me a strong and very independent person – which I am proud to be in this world.  Yet there are times when I think, “what the hell?”  Those moments come from not having experienced this life style before and just having to get used to the flow of things.

When I moved to Alaska I had no clue what Xtra Tuffs were – and I have my second pair with me now.  My co-workers are often teaching me about local customs and flavors, which is fantastic.  “OH, you have to try this Cuban dessert.”

I truly enjoy my coworkers sharing their local knowledge – especially the Cuban side of things.  As it turns out, my great-great- great grandparents were from Cuba.  They owned a tobacco plantation.

So see, I’m not so foreign in this land after all!

Insanity at the Movies

I enjoy going to the movie theater.

Larger than life image of Johnny Depp – meow.

Spending a couple of hours out-smarting the bad guys with Matt Damon – thrilling.

Playing on the beach and swirling martinis with Daniel Craig – yes please.

Spending a few hours at the movie theater is a nice break from reality.  You can be anything you want to be in a movie.

Hot cougar seductress – check.

Alien battling space explorer – check.

Crazed psycho serial killer – check.

Dream chasing hopeful – check.

Joining the minions in their quest to conquer the world – check.

The list goes on and on.  There is something out there for everyone – it doesn’t matter what your interests are in the world – the movies have you covered.

Walking into the theater, the smell of popcorn is almost as tantalizing as smoking after sex.  Of course, I’m not a smoker, except for an occasional cigar to celebrate special events.  Confession: I have one cigar a year – when the last cruise ship for the season sails off into the Alaskan sunset.  A group of us light ’em up and wave farewell from the pier.

Back to the theater…

I’m not a candy type of girl, but that glistening buttered popcorn just makes my mouth water.  It probably comes from the same source as McDonald’s french fries – laced with trace amounts of crack cocaine.  Ridiculous.  People talk about being addicted to drugs or alcohol – I’m thinking french fries and movie popcorn are just as addicting.  Just rub me down with the butter and let me lick myself.  Or, better yet, slather me up with the butter and let Johnny Depp or Daniel Craig lick it off.

I do have one fear inside the movie theater.  Not that I have ever seen one….but a mouse running over my feet scares me.  If I was a mouse, I would live in a theater.  Popcorn.  Milk Duds.  Nachos with fake cheese.  Soft pretzel bits with fake cheese….all things that would make me  one happy little fat, fuzzy mouse.  I’d have to find a little wheel to attach to my belly as I’d be so fat, my little belly would be dragging on the floor.  You’ve felt those floors!  Stand still for too long and you’re not going anywhere.  I am certainly not going to have my underbelly waxed by melted gummy bear sugars.  AND that’s the reason this mouse would be wearing pink ballet slippers….thank you very much.

I’ve sent a note to the FBI, as I’ve discovered a new torture technique.  They have missed the boat without a doubt on one superb method:  noise in movie theaters.



You’re killing me.

Could it be that I have bat like hearing?  Perhaps.

Could it be a ploy of the psychiatric board of America to annoy the shit out of citizens so they have to spend hundreds of dollars on drugs to calm their nerves?  Possibly.

Could it be everyone else in the rest of the theater is just rude?  Likely.

Oh. My. God.  If you jab your hand into that vat of popcorn and rummage around one more time like some desperate shopaholic at the end of season Nordstrom’s sale, I am going to leap up out of my seat and slap you.

I’ll move so fast, it’ll be like the scene from Kill Bill Vol. 1 when O-Rhen-Ishi (Lucy Lui) leaps up on the boardroom table and severs the head of the crime lord who decided to question her mixed Chinese heritage.  Oops.  One of my most favorite parts in my most favorite movie.

Don’t make me say sorry.

Do you really need to get the VERY LAST KERNEL IN THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE BUCKET?  First off, did you really need that bucket to begin with?  Doubtful.  Then said annoyance SHOVELS the popcorn into their mouth like a CAT Front Loader.  Wow.  Don’t get near that person kids, you’re likely to lose a hand.

Wait.  Let me guess.  Your dining room is carpeted with a beautiful blue plastic tarp or maybe even a soft, painters cloth.  It catches all the food that doesn’t make it to your mouth and it’s then re-purposed into a mix for tomorrow night’s snack.

I don’t think even desperate cannibals are this sloppy.

Then there are the people who chow down on candy, chips, popcorn, hot dogs, pretzels, air….it doesn’t matter….they’re smacking their lips like a herd of hippos going through a mud bath. For cripes sake – get a grip and control yourselves.  If I am 15 rows away and can hear you chewing your cud – you are too fucking loud.





Did you think they said “Who wants a planner?” When they really asked, “Who wants manners?”  in school?  Did your parents just unhinge your jaw and shovel the food down your hatch…..like a slippery slide and naked girls?  Dear lord, give me the strength not to UFC that person in the 34th row.

The talking.




Your whispers are as loud as Sister Loretta Ann’s farts in eighth grade.  I can HEAR you….you FREAK!  I’m totally sure Jackie needs to hear how David thought she was the best kisser at the bonfire.  I’m totally sure they make a super cute couple and will get married and have a ton of kids but you know what….we don’t care.  Shut. It.  When I turn around and say: SHUT UP!  That’s a clue….. we STILL don’t care.

I carry duct tape and I’m not afraid to use it.  Continue with your obnoxiously loud conversation and I will go through this theater, ending up standing on the arm rests of your chair faster than you can say, “there’s an alien in my chest.”

Got it?


Shut it.

Do these people behave just as poorly at home?  Emily Post would be horrified.  Where is the common sense?  The common decency?  Usually most people have enough common sense not to throw used toilet paper on the floor in a rest room…why is it they lose all decency in a movie theater?

Never mind.

I just figured it out.

It’s the lack of lighting.

Darkness = you can’t see me.

If you can’t see me = I can’t see you.

If I can’t see you = I can’t annoy you.

And if you could provide me with the address of the rabbit hole you just fell down, I’m sure Geraldo Rivera would love to do a segment on your cave’s revelations.

Don’t even get me started on the great movie crinklers.  Crinkle the plastic wrap the Snow Caps come in.  Crinkle the bag the gummy bears are encased in.  Crinkle the heavy duty coating the liquorice  is housed inside.   It’s enough to make my ears bleed.  I can’t even discuss it without requiring a dose of tequila.

Note to self: bring ear plugs the next time you go to the theater and a rubber mallet.