Tag Archives: Mexico

Yes, She´s My Cousin. No, We´re Not “Together.”

You will be delighted to know that everyone at the Excellence Riviera Cancun thinks my cousin and I are “together.” I had my suspicions the last few days, however it was a done deal this morning when we went to the spa for our massages. They had us booked as a couple´s massage. We reversed so fast out of that room it would have made a Nascar race look dull.

After dinner we went to the disco and people (meaning couples) wanted to dance with us….apparently because “you guys are having so much fun.” I told Jenn over the thumping bass of the speakers: I am NOT going home with any of these people if that is what they´re thinking.

We were a little disappointed as a few other girl couples were spotted around the resort today. Apparently once you let one set in you can let in others. Actually I think they just got lost on the beach and detoured, as I haven´t seen them since lunch.

Only one person thus far was almost on target with us. At Carlos and Charlie´s in Cozumel the other day….Daniel told us he told the group he was with that we were sisters when we walked in. Good on ya Daniel. Of course, he was a deck officer on the Ryndam so he is paid to be observant. Anyone who looks at us could guess we are related: same laugh, same smile and same forehead.

It was a kick to see a bunch of ships in Cosumel that come to Juneau. Oh and nobody knows what to say when they ask us where we are from. Jenn yells at Philly and then jerks a thumb at me and baffels them with ALASKA. Then I get the polite nod and smile trick. You know they are thinking….if Alaska is off the coast of California, how come she isn´t tan?

Seriously, you didn´t think Alaska was off the California coastline? Take a look at any modern map. There we are with Hawaii right across the channel. And we wonder why people don´t know geography.

As you know, I am a people watcher. I would like to make a note from my observations from around the pool today….if you are beach ball big….do not wear a silver foil bathingsuit. Lady, it makes you look like one of those stove top Jiffy popcorn silver tin poofs.

I can´t wait to see what happens tonight. The hotel called this morning and wanted to set up a “special” dinner for us tonight. I told Jenn they are probably celebrating their lesbian couple with an official Mexician meal and dance. Ole!

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Jesus Is Your Spa Host

I survived the arrival at the resort….hola, hola, hoola, oohya, oh yeah….OY, I need an asprin. Last night we decided to go to the spa for a reflexology massage and the water treatment series. They have a fancy word for the water series like : Tranquil Oasis Palm Flowers for the Soul Water Treatment. I don´t remember what it was, but something like that.

After wandering around the resort grounds….and my cousin stopping a staff member and saying, “Hola! Spa?” (which cracked me up as that was my style in Montreal….with a questioning expression she says…..) We arrive at this beautiful building. Ahhhh and look at those pools! There is a huge, giant, enormous, water faucet that cascades water down like a waterfall. I can hardly wait to get in. We check in and they escourt us to another counter. Jesus arrives. (actually pronounced as : Hey Zeus…..mental note to self. As I thought the second coming of Christ was here….damn, and I am in Mexico.)

Jesus takes us to the woman´s locker room and tells us to put on our suits. He will meet us back out front. Alrighty then.

Jenn and I arrive back out front and I am so excited to get under that giant faucet. Oh no….he takes us to another wing of the spa and tells us to take off our towels and get in the shower. (I am thinking, first of all if I take this towel off, you will be blinded by my halibut white skin. My skin is the same shade as powered milk. The second thought was….are you getting in with us? Good lord, what have we gotten into.)

Into the circular showers we go. Jesus wanders away to hang up our towels then returns. NEXT! We then head into the steam room. It is a lovely semi-circular room with blue tiles. Jesus tells us “six minutes.” We sit down and look at each other. Both without flip flops, my cousin says what I was thinking: This room is a hot bed of germs. After splashing ourselves with cold water from the faucet inside the steam room, Jesus returns and takes us to the pool.

You can imagine my excitment. Although no towels to dry off…so there we go parading through the area in our suits, as I blind the tourists with my milk skin. Awesome. We are directed into the pool and Jesus tells us to go over to what appears to be a hot tub.

He tells us “this is for your legs and butt” or something….it was hard to hear. As we approach the whirling waters he tells us to stand back to back. I, of course, am thinking how are we going to stand up in the hot tub. Well that area was like a cyclone. Jenn and I start in and the force is so strong, I am pushing her into the currents….”get back in there….don´t fly out of the current….oh my god we are going to drown in here…..get in there!” At this point Jesus is yelling at us to “grab the bars! Grab the bars!”

shit! What bars….I am too busy trying to push Jenn in ahead of me. We finally find the bars. Holy hell. This is like being inside of a blender….and it is supposed to do what for us? I couldn´t stop laughing. Water is flying everywhere and the two of us are holding on for dear life. Finally Jesus comes back and tells us it´s time to move on to the next stage. We release the bars and shoot out like salmon going down a waterslide.

Next up super jets under water that are supposed to work on your back and stomach. We attach ourselves to the bars again and immediately I have concerns my suit is going to be ripped off. Well, this will be embarassing. Then everyone will see my Kooka is what I am thinking.

Long story short, we finally get to the wonderful, enormouns water faucet. It is for your shoulders. Well the water hits so hard that I couldn´t open my eyes. Jenn was under a single faucet, that when we switched reminded me that must be what it´s like to be hit with a fire hose. and this is relaxing?

We continued on to new stations, one after the other. Walk on rocks…it massages the feet. Stand in a 12 head shower to rinse off, now to the shower where you pull the cord and bucket of water falls on your head. This is more of an episode out of Seinfeld with the two of us. The last three stations involved being taken into a room with a tub full of shaved ice. Jesus tells us to rub our bodies with ice. Jenn throws it at the door. I throw some on my body then on the floor. Jesus comes back and doesn´t appear happy with us. I blame my cousin.

Next up the sauna for 7 minutes and finally the cold water plunge. Five seconds…down the stairs into the pool of ice, full body dip and back up where Jesus stands with the towel and tells you “good job.” It was like suriving Fear Factor.

Today we are off to a new adventure. I am hopeful to get my pillow that I requested from the pillow menu last night. However it took too long to arrive and I ended up going to bed. That would explain the knocking on our door in the middle of the night. Jenn asked about it this morning, I told her it was probably the pillows.

Onwards and upwards. I think we are going to Cozumel today….watch out.

Sorry, I Have No Clue What You Just Said.

We are in the Mayan Riviera, my cousin and I. We get through Customs and into our waiting resort van and it hits me. I have no clue what these people are saying.

Great, here we go again.

Not that I expected to somehow understand Spanish overnight, however I was hopeful that if they spoke English I might be able to catch every other word. Honestly, I´m lucky if I catch every 14th word, which can lead to slightly awkward situations.

At lunch today my cousin had to use the bathroom. She never has to use the bathroom. I swear her bladder is the size of one of those giant water towers you see in rural towns. She just rarely pees. I don´t know how she does it. The weatherman just mentions rain and I have to pee. Strange.

So she left me at lunch to pee and a flare gun must have gone off over my head as waiters were coming at me left and right. Yes, I am fully aware now that if the waiter says, “a humma na na humm na ha ha.” He could be asking if I want toothpaste on my pasta but all I heard was “a humma na na humm na ha ha” so I nod and smile. then, as my short history has it here today, the waiter trys again and says, “Where are you from?” Ohhhh, got it….Alaska. Thanks. And insert the nod and smile…..

I swear, this trip is supposed to be relaxing and I am already breaking a sweat on my upper lip. To add to my pressure of the wait staff, everyone here greets everyone as you walk past. My cousin yells out “hola….hola…..hola…..hola….!” Really? I am barely managing to hang on and yell out a “hola” instead of a “hoola!” This time tomorrow I may throw out the “hello, how are you in Spanish” then keep my fingers crossed that conversation stops there. I would type out how you say it but, I can´t spell it.