Tag Archives: maui

The Alaskans Hit the Beach

The nude beach that is….

My first experience, three years ago,  with the nudist beach was interesting.  Over the hill and down the trail we went only to be met with the startling conclusion:  Girls and Boys, we’re not in Juneau anymore.

At the bottom of the hill there was a road block.  It was all I could do  not trip over the whale sized person lounging on the sand….like a welcome mat.  Really?  You couldn’t move over a few feet?  Scuze me…pardon me…

Well you don’t see that in Alaska, unless it’s actually a beached whale.

Since that introduction, I’ve visited the beach every time we go to Hawaii.  It’s one of the highlights to my vacation.  Don’t ask me why.  It’s simply a “must do” activity.

Anyhow, onwards and upwards…

Surveying the area, it’s glaringly apparent the majority of visitors grab a location closest to the entrance – it’s MOBBED.  But further down there’s fewer people and lots of open beach space. Hike up the cooler and chairs, we’re hiking into flesh country. The Alaskan has found her beach spot.

The spot I chose is right in the front – you’re probably not surprised.  It’s funny – the very back of the beach has a solid line of people from end to end.  Must be the second choice location if you can’t get near the entrance.  Couldn’t even muscle a beach towel in between those folks – they were stuccoed in like coral decorations on a seawall.

I’d rather have some fresh air and be able to stretch out on my towel than have pry myself in between two glistening oiled up strangers.  Excuse me, could you hand me another beer?  Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen put your sunglasses on, the Alaskans are hitting the beach – naked – and we’re a wonderful halibut white color.  We lathered up, cracked a beer, settled in and began to soak up the Maui sunshine. Talk about glistening in the sunshine like diamonds.  Even the seagulls were confused about our reflective quality.

Now it’s time to ponder, which way to look.  In front of my spot were two men, the color of cooked bacon, playing Frisbee….you can only imagine what was dangling at my eye level.

Disclaimer:  It’s not my fault God made me this height and certain things just happen to be at eye level when sitting in a beach chair, on the beach, in a nudist environment.  Thank you.

It was all fun and games until Bacon Colored Man #1 lost control of his Frisbee serve and Bacon Colored Man #2 had to come over to me and apologize and pick it up at my feet.  I’m sorry, did you say something?  I was distracted.

I love to people watch.  I’m as happy as a Magpie in a sparkling heap of trash when left alone to people watch.   If this was an Olympic event, I’d enter.  No hand / eye coordination necessary.    Now I have a cooler of adult beverages, a comfortable place to sit, warm sand under my toes and sunshine…..what more could I ask for really?

Where are those Bacon Men?

Sorry, I had a flash back.

Back to the point at hand…people watching.  What struck me as funny were the number of people who came to look at us sitting on the beach…..from their tour boats.  Giant catamarans, holding 150 people would sail by – barely 1/4 mile off the beach.  This beach is apparently listed in some of the tour narratives.  Interesting.  Had I known I was going to be apart of the touring outline, I would have at least worn my tiara.  As it currently stands, I’m wearing my sunglasses and floppy beach hat.  Similar, but nothing close to fabulous.

I can only imagine what the captain was saying:

“Everyone!  Get your binoculars!  There is a spectacular sight off our starboard side.   You won’t want to miss taking a look at this.  One of our popular beaches for homo sapiens!  Quite the species….”

Each time I pondered an appropriate reaction:

Flip them off.

Jump up and moon them.

Shake my ta-tas.

Wave like the Queen.

Result:  I stared back at them and toasted them with my bottle of beer.

My next observation were the groups of 4 (two couples) that would wander all the way down, not much further past us and wouldn’t take so much as their top off.  Okay, so what’s the deal?  I get it….they were giggly couples who wanted to say they went to the nude beach – without having to admit they actually took anything off.

Being nude myself, I found it a little odd to see them fully clothed in the surf.  THEY were the odd ones that stuck out.  Kind of like a fart in an elevator.  Everyone else on the beach was either completely naked, top off or bottoms off.

I also tremendously enjoyed the older couple that walked back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  He was obviously comfortable with himself as there wasn’t a tan line to be found on his cinnamon raisin toast skin.  She, on the other hand, I think might have been related to the Easter bunny.

Imagine.

Pink pleated tennis skirt.  Pink sun visor with blonde puffy short hair coming out of the top like Old Faithful.  Proud as a peacock prancing next to her man.  Back and forth.  It was like watching a tennis match they went past so often.  She was engrossed in observing the crowd of sunbathers and he was praying they could go back and sit down so he can enjoy the gorgeous ocean view.

What a funny bunch of people.  Of course, I didn’t know a soul except for my better half.  And he was encouraging “get your raft and get out there.” We’re here to celebrate my 40th birthday so I better get out there and enjoy the day.

Okay, off I go with my most favorite hobby inducing item in Hawaii.  A cheap pink raft.  Down to the ocean I go.  I could float away in the peacefulness it was so calm and enjoyable.  Cool and clear water.  Definitely not in Alaska any more.

Of course, when it was time to come back in so we could head back and get ready for dinner, I realized he was taking photos of me.  Okay, maybe he should invest in a camera instead of using his phone for the pictures.  Mental note honey, put a lock on that thing!

The Alaskan Goes To Hawaii

We’re on vacation.

In Hawaii.

On Maui.

It’s the exact opposite of home:  hot and sunny.

Since we’ve left home, they’ve received two feet of fluffy snow – perfect for snowboarding.  Of course!  The reports from the ski slope are fantastic and I’ve stopped reading them.  Who wants snow when you have hot and sunny?  Just keep the breeze going and we’ll be ok.

We’re staying with our friend George, while here on Maui.  The house is fantastic – comes complete with hot tub, pool and waterfall.  Sitting on the upstairs l’nai (don’t know what the proper spelling would be for the upstairs porch, but you get the idea.  This is also reason number 2 we’d never move here….we can’t even begin to pronounce any of the names.) you can see the ocean, which is a short 5 minute walk…..down the hill.

If anyone is interested, George is putting the house on the market for $1.5 million….

Why?  They got a divorce last month.  They were driving each other crazy.  She now lives up on the mountainside – where yesterday it was “pouring rain” which was odd, cause there were no clouds.  I’m thinking their idea of “pouring” is a little different than ours.  Of course, we live in a temperate rainforest back home.

When we arrived to the house, the day before Thanksgiving, you can imagine our surprise to realize George has both kids.

12 and 9.

Boys.

One on meds.

One just between meds – thus the explaniation of the wild animal which is supposed to the be 9 year old – tearing around the house.  In George’s words, “we have to live with the mayhem until we can start the new stuff.” I’m thinking a stun gun might work just as well.

Eric tells me to “ignore it.”  Sorry, but how exactly can you ignore a tasmanian devil that is trying to literally climb up your body?  Screaming?  While you’re standing outside sweating to death?  It can’t be done.

The two brothers are at each other’s throats 90% of the time.  Within two minutes of Eric getting up and leaving the house the other morning for his walk the boys were up and I heard, “STOP! GIVE IT BAAACK!”  That continued to repeat like a bad record for the next 10 minutes.

About an hour later, someone is knocking on the bedroom door.  I ignore it, as I know without a doubt which one it is.  There’s a reason I locked the door.

It stops.

Feet run away.

Feet run back.

Knocking.  Knocking. Jiggle the handle.  Knocking.

Feet run away.

Feet run back.

Unintelligible words coming from under the door.  Knocking. Jiggling of the door handle.

(Note, if I didn’t know better, I could have been in a horror movie)

Suddenly the door flies open and here it comes, landing on my bed….having used a wooden skewer to pop open the lock.

Good morning world, it’s Donna and I’m in the third layer of hell.

Our first beach day!  We all pile into the car.  I always have to fight to get the front seat, I explain it’s because I’m the only girl.  In reality, I don’t want to get attacked in the back seat.  Actually, I’d made the situation worse I’m sure….

The whole way to the store to pick up sandwhiches the car is filled with yelling conversation, screaming, punches and whining.  Not five minutes down the road and I want to yell, “STOP TOUCHING ME!”  Little hands coming through the headrest section of the seat.

My head is ringing and I’m cursing the fact I didn’t bring any little bottles from the airplane with me in my purse.  I silently realize to survive the rest of this trip, I’m going to have to start drinking first thing in the morning.  We stop at a light and for a brief moment I actually consider getting out of the car and walking away.  There is a reason I came into this world as an only child –  YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Luckily the kids go to their mother’s house starting Friday afternoon through Monday morning.  The last few days have been filled with tranquil moments of sweaty sunshine, warm sand and swimming with sea turtles.

Here we are at Monday morning, the tasmaniann devil, having to be home schooled, because of his issues with the divorce – has returned home.  All is quiet in the house…because he managed to jump into the coffee table last night, causing his mother to take him to the ER and thus has a horrible swollen knee still today.  The other blessing for today is I believe the nanny returns – thank you Jesus.

Regardless, I instructed Eric to lock the bedroom door on his way out for his walk.  I am happy to have some peace and quiet, both windows open, birds squaking happily….while I sit here under flannel sheet to write this.

Yes, flannel sheets – this is winter.

 

Please note – as I’ve mentioned before if you end up in my writing, it’s not because I don’t like you – in fact, I love you.  You’ve just provided me with some funny moments I need to share.  Thank you for the material.