Tag Archives: lights

One Holiday at a Time

There’s a man down the street who all summer worked on revitalizing his yard.  His home sits on the corner and he drudged out the land down nearly to the magma core.  Next came several types of soil, followed by apparently several types of grass seed.  I say  several types of grass seed because the grass came up in different shades.  He should have mixed the seeds together and then spread them.  Throwing a handful here and there made his yard look like a patchwork quilt done by a blind person.

Dark green here.

Light green over there.

Clump of dark green here.

Patch of light green over there.

He put in a lovely brick walkway from the driveway to the front door and two beautiful lamp posts highlighting the path.

All of this property enhancement, seemingly serves one purpose: to showcase his Christmas light display.  It started off innocently enough with a few strands around the front door.  Low and behold by this evening there are so many colors and random twinkling going on someone is bound to have a seizure.

Really?  What the hell?  It’s not even Thanksgiving!  Up go the outside lights, two story tall inflatable Santa displays and armies of plastic figures.  Not to mention the houses I’ve seen with the Christmas trees proudly displayed in the front window.

Side note:  Actually, a neighbor of ours, kept their Christmas tree up until EASTER last year.   They could have started a fire, that tree was so old.  I’d would have been afraid to sneeze in their living room for fear all 120,000 needles would have dropped to the floor.

Blame the retailers.  They can’t wait to get into the next sale season.  What ever happened to enjoying the holidays as they arrive on the calendar?  I can’t take two months of ANY holiday celebration.  I’ve packed up my toys and gone home long before the true festivities even begin.

And really, spreading out the holiday season only causes one thing to linger in our minds:  the true dread of the family meal.  It’s like ripping off a band-aid.  Let’s get this over with and fast.  How many people do you know that truly, down deep in the pit of their little toe, enjoy the family gathering?  Let’s be honest.  Anyone who doesn’t have some type of mild heart burn is probably nipping on something.

Of course I’m right.

It starts the second week of November.  They can’t even wait for Thanksgiving week.  Retailers have put up Christmas trees in their entrances and colored our world in shades of green and red, furry white cuffs, jingle bells, flashing lights and holiday cheer.

Not to mention, the Thanksgiving turkey is pissed off.  He doesn’t even get a chance to make it to the table before everyone is celebrating the big, fat, jolly guy.  How embarrassing to stand up at the holiday mascot support group and acknowledge your holiday has been cut short so people can celebrate some old guy who works with midgets in the northern tundra making toys.  Not to mention, insists he travels via flying reindeer…..one which has a glowing nose for a GPS.

Right.

And when was the last time anyone did a random drug screening on Santa?

I’m just curious.

 

Je ne parle pas Francais.

I don’t speak French.
Huh?
What?
Arriving into Montreal tonight – after two days of travel to get here – I tried out my one liner on the cab driver: “Parlez vous anglais?” To which I received at least 4 sentences in French. I was flabbergasted in the back seat. The only thing I could say was, “I’ve got no idea what you just said.” HA! And we laughed. Thank goodness laughing is universal. Could you imagine if it wasn’t? Wow….that would have been awkward.

I actually have THREE lines when meeting someone here: Bon jour! Je ne parle pas Francais. Parlez vous anglais? However I haven’t enough nerve to throw it out there yet. Maybe the daylight will change my mind. I hope. I want to give it a go. Really, all it comes down to is my self-conscience saying “you’re a boob” when in reality the people on the receiving end will probably be happy at least I’m trying. Well they’ll actually probably end up laughing, but hey, people make money making people laugh – look at Ellen DeGeneres!

Okay so ponder me this – airplane bathrooms. By the time I return to Juneau on November 26th I will have taken 22 flights, counting Australia. (Still haven’t made Alaska Airlines MVP – seriously.) Things I have noticed that have given me pause are:

1. When you are using the bathroom on the plane, I have an idea – lock the door! It’s the little slider that turns the light on. Even has a note that says, “lock” with a directional arrow. You don’t have to sit there in the dark, Mr. Blue Boxer Shorts. I mean, really, you’re mad at me for opening the door – when really you’re the one who didn’t lock it! If I had esp I’d be in a different profession making millions telling fortunes not whipping the door open on mindless men on an airplane….don’t flatter yourself.

2. When you come out of the bathroom – don’t give me the stink eye. I mean where would you prefer I stand? Really, the back of airplanes are legendary for their expansive space and accommodations. In fact, some airlines offer full blown yoga courses back there. NOT! And why are you so surprised there are people waiting in line to pee? You didn’t think you were the only one right? Chances are you had to wait in line just like the rest of us so get over your attitude – everyone poops.

Side note: I would like to point out I actually feel bad for the people near the pee line. Throughout the entire flight, they have people hovering over them. Wondering: what are they reading? Oy, look at that outfit. Is he drooling? She really needs to get her roots done…soon. Those people should get a free drink ticket.

3. Today, I was on a flight – in a small plane. One bathroom – in the back. The light wouldn’t stay on. Really, you must be kidding and I checked my flashlight. I checked the lock – for fear it slid out of place. No, it was secure. The light was temperamental. I am not a trapeze artist. Hanging on to the sink, so I can hover appropriately over the bowl, with tissue ready in the other hand is hard enough – let alone having to pause every 4 seconds to turn the light back on. Someone should really mention something to someone about that light.

Finally, nothing to even do with bathrooms, but it was an enlightening moment. Recently I was reading an article in Alaska Airlines magazine and the author, whose name I now forget – made a comment that has stuck in my brain and is genus. I’d like to share it with you. Boarding the plane – we all have our 1 carry on bag and 1 personal item. How many times does that personal item turn into a homo sapien “dorsal fin”? I’m sure those people packing giant packs on their back are very kind and gracious people. However when they whip around to put their roller bag in the overhead – I, being an aisle sitter – have to watch out for the dorsal fin attack. After realizing the proper term for the attack, I laughed out loud when on my flight yesterday….there I sat when “AHHHH it’s the fin….the dorsal fin!!! Watch out!!” Karate chop that …. wahhhhhhhaaaa!

Alright then, enough talk about planes. I did fly into NYC today on my way to Montreal. It was like a flightseeing trip. We flew over Central Park, the Sears Building, the Empire State Building, the Twin Towers, Ellis Island and as we turned I could see the Statue of Liberty. It was amazing. I was so glad I had a window seat.

I made it to Montreal and am in my room. The first one was a gorgeous corner room – THREE french doors that opened out on the street. Only one problem….the lock on the door didn’t work. So now I’m down the hall – same room set up and actually there are stairs in this room. How funny is that. I’m also off the street, so I think sleeping will be easier, but with less light during the day. Although i don’t plan to spend much time in here so that’s okay.

Montreal hotel room - up the stairs!

Way cool shower.

Tomorrow I’m out on my own to explore before the convention. Watch out – Alaskan on the loose! Onwards and upwards!

Have a good one.
D.