Tag Archives: job

Are You For REAL?

Previously, living in Juneau, Alaska….my daily commutes to work were 15 minutes and literally….wait….let me count them….TEN lights.  Total miles traveled about 13.    And when I talk about the lights, we never use street names to identify the intersections.  We have the following:

Super Bear

McDonalds

Vanderbuilt

Hospital

Main Street

And my personal favorite, “You know the one by that weird overpass that was built for pedestrians, that nobody ever used and then that truck ran into….THAT light.”

I loved living in Alaska.  We just knew what we were talking about.

I’m thinking in Miami……

the people….

they have no common sense.

Honestly, I don’t mean to be mean and evil  I’m just making an observation.  As a newcomer.  What leads me to this conclusion?  Wait for it….

A few weeks ago a co-worker emailed me and said, “OMG I have something for your blog.”  I couldn’t wait to hear what the story was going to spill into my little fuzzy brain.

Imagine this.

You work for a giant corporation.  It’s a corporation that is an industry trendsetter – always steps ahead of the competition.  People WANT to work here.  Luckily as a manager, you have a position that has just come open and need to start interviewing.

Thus begins the process.  You line up the candidates and begin.

Now serving NUMBER ONE!

On day two you are running through the line up of interviews and begin the first phone interview of the day.

All goes well.  You’re feeling confident.  Soon you will have a new employee.  SWEET!

You dial up your next candidate.

Pleasantries are exchanged and the small talk comes to an end.  Time to get into the nitty gritty.  Anxiously, you begin to mow through your list of questions:

  • What is your background in analyzing the efficiency of 400 count Egyptian sheets compared to 743 count Grecian sheets?
  • Can you describe a time when you faced a monetary discrepancy between how many peanuts an elephant consumed in a week and the total number of fishnet pantyhose a Fright Night Corpse Bride went through in a Halloween weekend?
  • In your opinion,  do blondes really have more fun than brunettes?
  • Tell me about a time when you knew you had to argue your point to support the idea of Marco Polo not being as desirable as Fabio on the cover of instructional books on how to steam up the laundry room.

The interview is going exceptionally well.  The candidate’s answers are spot on.  You’re excited.  The candidate is excited.  THEN  you ask, “Why do you want to work with us?”

Watch out!  Open the flood gates.  Stand back!  The energy combined with bright sunlight and rays of happiness are literally blinding.  You think little blue birds are circling your head while whistling tunes of euphoria. These are signals of the candidate’s obvious perfection for being the right person for the job.

They launch themselves into the future with the appropriate answers, as if they were shot out of a cannon.  Except, this one was launched, sadly…without a crash helmet.

Oh how they go on about the grandiose wonderfulness of the company.  A leader of the industry.  Exploring areas even Mister Rogers didn’t venture into or Sesame Street for that matter.  Climbing mountains in leaps and bounds.  Success beyond the banks of Donald Trump.

It was as plain as plain yogurt.

This individual knew they were destined for greatness.

Destined to work for this cruise line.

The other thing that made the stars align, much like the first walk on the moon or when Elvis learned about his jaw dropping hip thrust (young Elvis – mind you) was the cruise line was so close to the candidate’s house.

“It’s perfect.  I live just a five minute drive from 87th Avenue.  I could walk to the corporate offices!”

Excuse me?  What?  Can you repeat what you just said?

“Certainly!  I live so close to your corporate offices, I can walk to them each day, which is ideal!  I’ll never be late.”

Right.  Okay.  And that address again was what?

“Well, I live just two blocks over from 87th, which is where your main office is located.  I mean, I totally expect I will be working in the corporate office.”

Note:  It’s okay.  Take a deep breath.  All together now.  Inhale deeply into the pit of your stomach and exhale very slowly.  Now.  Don’t you feel better?

Why?  Well, let’s continue the story….

After you calmly pick your head up off the keyboard and pry the “escape” button out of your third eyeball, you very calmly…..however with a slight edge in the tone of your voice…. no doubt from the grinding of your wooden teeth.  (You and GW go way back.)  You advise this nearly ideal candidate of their fatal flaw:

“Wow!  Great news that office is so close to you.  Our offices are actually located in the Port of Miami.  Specifically on Caribbean Drive.  The address you are referring to, is our competition.  That’s Carnival’s corporate office.”

Silence.

Please cue the cricket chorus.

Encore of the cricket chorus.

Lighters out to encourage yet ANOTHER encore of the cricket chorus.

As you pick your right eye tooth up off the floor you calmly advise the candidate, the interview they just completed was for Royal Caribbean Cruises NOT Carnival.

Have a good day.  Thanks for playing.

P.S.

No, you did not get the job.  Are you kidding me?

 

 

 

 

 

Call Center Operators – Bless Them, But They Drive Me Crazy.

Today in my mail, I received my new bank credit card. I went online to activate it and surprisingly the response was, “information does not correspond to what we have on file, please call our service center.”

Seriously? I’m not an idiot. I’m pretty sure I know how to type in my name and 16 number back code.

So I call the number on the little sticker on the front of the card “to activate.” Of course, it goes to an automated service, for which I am thankful. I always feel I can get more accomplished if I just do it myself. It’s like the self check out at the grocery. I can do it faster, but it usually ends up kicking my ass when the machine doesn’t understand the word “broccoli” and I have to wait for assistance.

On the phone, I type all my information in using the keypad. I am highly skeptical of the voice command option. A few minutes later a recording comes on and says, “I’m sorry but we need to connect you to our customer service representative.”

Are you kidding me? What should have taken me 2 minutes is now eating up 5 minutes. So on hold I sit and wait. Finally, Daniella comes on the line. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

“Thank you for contacting ABC Bank. Can I have the last 4 digits of your bank card.”

– 1234 –

“Thank you, I have 1234. Can I have your zip code.”

– 77777 –

“Thank you, I have 77777. Can I have your first and last name.”

– Donna Smith –

“Thank you, Donna. How are you today?”

– Fine –

“I’m glad to hear that. Now you wanted to activate your card correct?”

– Yes –

(and then it happens)

“For all of our family here at ABC Bank, we’re offering a special deal for the next 30 days, free for you to try.”

– I’m not interested –

“The offer is for a 30 day free trial of our Silver Savings Program, in case you lose your job or become impaired…”

And she went on and on and on. I thought about interrupting her but thought, this poor thing has a suck job. It’s not her fault that she has to read this script. She probably got fired in the recession and this is the only thing she can find for work.

“….for just $0.89 a month you can have peace of mind…”

Seriously, for less than a dollar a month you say? I could have Peace of Mind? That would be great. Does that mean someone is going to come to my house to ensure I have Peace of Mind? What is Peace of Mind anyway? Not having to worry about what to cook for dinner? No stress on having to find a parking space? Worrying about driving in bad weather and the idiot behind me sliding into my car on the icy roads? Whether or not the kids are going to get all their school work done this evening? Trying to figure out how to get into that cute pair of jeans for our date night this Friday? Wondering what I’d do if I lost my job in the first place?

“So after 30 days if you aren’t happy with the program, just call and cancel it through our 800 number.”

What could I do with $0.89 a month? Buy a cotton ball. Make a pay phone call, if I could find a pay phone still in existence. In the ladies room I could buy several tampons. $0.75 would get me a few bubblegum balls. Hummm….or I could spend it on getting “Peace of Mind” from my bank. Are you kidding me with this?

– Thank you, but I am not interested in the program. –

“I can understand your hesitation for not wanting to sign up for the program, but I can send it to you free of charge. Having Peace of Mind is a great thing in today’s economy.”

– I am not interested, I just need the card activated. –

“Your card has been activated.”

Good grief. Again, what should have taken 2 minutes has now taken nearly 15 minutes. It was like a bait and switch. Or better yet, when you go into a store and at check out they ask if you want to donate $1 to the needy this or that group. No! I hate being nickeled and dimed every time I turn around. All in the name of Peace of Mind. Well, let me tell you….Peace of Mind also includes activating my card without all the hassle of a sales pitch. Thank you and have a good day.