Tag Archives: grocery stores

Squeeze Me & Eat Me


Squeezing and eating.

Feels good. A little softer. A little harder.
The taste…like it sweet? Or prefer tangy?
Big or small?
Plump and juicy?
Lean and tender?
Unblemished, touched by nobody.

Which one is right for you. For this exact need?
Did you find the right one? Ready to make a decision?
With so many varieties in life, it can be a tough choice.
So many options.
Go with your gut……..


Deep breath.


Now put the fucking cantaloupe in the cart and move on!

Seriously. For christ’s sake!

I was at our local grocery store over the weekend. I don’t know if it was because of the holiday on our door step or what the problem was on Friday. Everyone was being overly selective on their purchase.

And these aren’t difficult choices people!

The fruits and veggie aisle. I get it, you want to pick up the best head of lettuce and unbruised peaches. Got that. But lady, seriously. Thumping cantaloupes….one after the other after the other after the other after the other….PICK ONE! Pick two if you’re unsure. They are all going to ripen up and let’s be completely serious, you aren’t honestly going to know what you get until you cut it open.

Kinda like baking a cake. You can continue to look in the oven, insert the toothpick for doneness….but until you cut it and eat it, you have no clue if you made a damn fine cake or not.

Notice nobody really cares what kind of lemon or limes they get. They don’t even worry about the oranges or grapes. Grab a few and dump them into the cart. Well isn’t that a pisser. They’re so common nobody cares.

It’s like people who are knocking on watermelons for ripeness.

Knock knock.

Knock knock knock.

Knock da knock de de knock knock.


Get three or four people doing this at the same time and you have a percussion section right there in produce.

What I’d like to know, and I need to find out, how do watermelons stack up in a chucking contest?
Going to a big pumpkin chucking contest is on my Bucket List. I want one that has several chuckers, not just one. AND I want to to do some chucking.

Yep, I could be a Red Neck. (I also enjoy NASCAR……make your own conclusions.)

At any rate, next I found myself in the diary aisle.


>>>> pause <<<<


I turn to my left and find a lady standing a yard away from me.

She's holding….a package of string cheese.
She's squeezing the package of white string cheese. Moving the sticks all around in their package.

I wanted to say something like, "Yep. There are 12 sticks in there. Says so right on the package. They're sticks of cheese. Hence the name on the package: Cheese Sticks. They're individually wrapped. Kids love them. If this isn't the cheese you are looking for…and you need a block of cheese I suggest moving further down the aisle. If you need sliced cheese, the deli is on the other side of the store. Canned cheese, well, good luck with that."

She eventually put the package she squeezed and scrutinized into her basket and carried on with her shopping.

Next up: the bread aisle.

It's my lucky day.
Winner. Winner. Chicken dinner.

I wasn't stopping, but I drove right by them with my cart.

First up was a man, obviously sent to buy hamburger rolls for the cookout.
He had in his hands a package of 8 whole wheat hamburger buns, with sesame seeds.
And guess what!
HE WAS SQUEEZING THEM! Along with a 20 yard glazed eye stare. It’s apparent hamburger buns are not his thing and the selection was way over his head. Buddy, whatever happens, never agree to go buy air fresheners.

Make it

What are you squeezing them for? They’re hamburger rolls and they’re designed to be soft. If you are looking for a hard crusty roll, go to the bakery! The only thing that people should be squeezing in here is the Charmin! Ask Mr. Whipple, he’ll tell you!

I didn’t get a full shopping basket past him and there’s a lady standing there with dinner rolls.

My suggestion, next time lady, choose the King’s Hawaiian rolls. Each one is uniformly baked to a sweet goodness. And less stress for you and the bag of rolls.

Seriously, let’s think about this for a moment….

Kings Hawaiian rolls

Whoever selects that package of dinner rolls you’ve been handling like a Queen sized woman trying to put on A sized pantyhose….will have beautiful rolls with your paw prints mashed into them. Gee, whose thumb print is that? Please. Step away from the bag of dinner rolls.

Fast forward to Saturday.

Here we go.
To a local Farmer’s Market.

Three or four different local farmers were there with their freshly picked crops.

Fresh from the field, literally picked that morning.

Beautiful produce.

I stood next to a woman who literally picked through the snow peas. Trying this one and that one. To see if they’re any good. She didn’t just try one, she had four. This isn’t a salad bar! Then she told her son, they didn’t look so good.

Why keep eating them?

Next up she picked over the cucumbers.

Here’s the thing. This is real farm grown produce. In the fields. In dirt. Chemical free. Hand picked this morning for ripeness. She complained how the cucumbers had lighter colored areas.

O M G lady, they’re supposed to! These are NOT chemically engineered in a laboratory like a lot of our food. It’s not meant to look picture perfect. It’s farm perfect! They grow on the ground. The discoloration happens in nature.

As long as the cucumber isn’t soft and mushy – you will be fine.

Good grief.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a good shopper. I know what I need. I have my list. I’m in and out. Done. I have no patience for the namby pamby waffling of trying to make a decision on which burger buns I should get. If I have buns on my list, then the first package that looks good – is going in the cart.

Perhaps they’re contemplating what they’re going to do with these cheese sticks. Maybe it’s for a recipe and they only need one. Maybe their grandkids requested it and they never heard of them. I don’t know, but stop squeezing the cheese. If you are needing squeeze cheese, I think it’s in the potato chip aisle.

Lastly, if you’re going to a Farmer’s Market don’t turn your nose up at the produce. These guys worked hard to put this on the table. It’s as fresh as you’re going to get. Commenting you don’t like the color and then you keep sampling the food? You are an inconsiderate ass. And shame on you for not having any manners.

Melon Thumpers – keep on keeping on, cause I know you can’t help yourself. And depending on what type of melons you’re thumping, it might even be enjoyed by others.

If You Were To Ask Me…This Is What I’d Do.

Do you ever find yourself watching someone do something and you think to yourself, “You know what would make it better? Easier?”

Last night I was at a rehearsal for a performance and long story short, I kept coming up with suggestions on how to make it a better act for this one group. My friend and I were full of suggestions but it wasn’t our place to blurt out our thoughts. We weren’t the choreographers or the director or anything. Just an act in the show.

It was obvious to us what this group could do. But alas, not our problem.

It’s like being in the check out line at the grocery. You know, the one that says, “Under 12 Items” and the person in front of you clearly has DOUBLE the amount. If I was the cashier, I would tell them to put their stuff back in their little cart and high tail it over a lane. But no. They’re up there grinding their teeth probably thinking this poor chap apparently can’t read. Or they can’t count.

Have you ever been driving behind a really slow person on the highway? One who can’t seem to get close to the speed limit? Finally you pass them and they’re busy chatting on the phone. I wish I had a sign I could post in my back window: Hang up and DRIVE! These people wonder why people are passing them, honking and flipping them off. They’re annoyed with US! Well duh, you self-absorbed ninny….do us all a favor: Either pull over and finish your conversation, as you obviously can’t multi-task or here’s an idea: HANG UP AND DRIVE.

Parents, in the grocery, why, why, why….do you let your kids pull stuff off the shelves? Solution: stores should make the aisles a little wider – then parents could easily drive the cart down the middle of the aisle, allowing plenty of space for the rest of us to go around them. It would be a blessing. Pushing your cart, loaded with a kid in the seat, near the shelves, only encourages them to grab and throw. It’s like being in a B-flick horror movie. The kid grabs a box of macaroni and hurls it at the granny. She collapses on the floor and a zombie comes crawling out from under the shelving unit to eat her.

Either make the aisles bigger or provide duct tape to secure their arms/hands to their bodies. It could be like Band-Aids. Which do you want? Spiderman or Princesses?

My last solution would be to get rid of the damn paper bags the movie popcorn is served in. I enjoy the movies. The fuckin’ crinkling of the bags is enough to send me through the roof of the theater. People are digging through those bags like they might find a prize at the bottom. Eat from the top. Don’t dig. Yes, I have been known to yell out, “STOP IT!” ” ENOUGH ALREADY!”

If I was ever captured by Russian spies and tortured, all they’d have to do is put me in a room with people and the damn popcorn bags….digging, digging, digging, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. The whole bag is filled with popcorn, what are you doing? If you only like the ones with butter, you should have asked for more butter. And thrusting your fist into the bag, behind my head…then shaking your fingers wildly at the bottom to find that non-existent popcorn prize it going to land me in your lap and pummel you like a UFC fighter.

Instead, let’s use cloth bags that can be washed and reused after each show. Problem solved. While we’re on it – get rid of the JUMBO TUBS of popcorn. Nobody in America needs JUMBO anything these days, unless it’s a pile of cash.