I was thrilled when I moved here to discover a Whole Foods right around the corner from my house. Coming from Alaska, this was a brand new experience. I had heard stories about the LUXURY of shopping at a Whole Foods.
Vegetables are like diamonds encased in security sealed cases.
Cheese by the pound is on display by region.
Fresh meat all organically grown, petted daily and humanely put down for sale.
A salad bar worth drooling over.
Fresh this and wholesome that.
Vitamins, detox mixtures, tonics and fresh squeezed orange juice….oh my fucking my.
Seriously….people…this is heaven on earth.
Yeah, it’s heaven on earth if I want to be ignored by the staff, nearly run down by patrons and….on top of it all pay out the ass for a 4oz container of guacamole, of which I could make better at home.
What am I missing here?
I simply don’t get it. There are several things that slap me in the face when I go in there:
1. Their customer service SUCKS. Granted, they have good produce. Every time I dash in to pick up something, it always happens the produce guy has his little cart right in front of whatever item I need in the produce aisle:
Corn on the cob? Check.
Vegan salad dressing. Check.
Doesn’t matter, he is parked there and it never crosses his mind to MOVE THE FUCKING CART a foot to let me select my green beans, snow peas, broccoli or peppers. It annoys the hell out of me. I’m sorry. It’s common sense. You have a customer approaching, with a basket on her arm and obviously looking at the produce right in front of you.
Why yes, I would like some of those carrots with the green leafy tops still on….all five of them for $9.99. Could you excuse me?
Oh, no wait, I see the issue. You are too busy laughing it up with the guy who is stocking up the pineapples and grapes. Never mind. Don’t want to bother you. Let me climb over your cart. Who is the customer here?
Apparently the overhead they charge for the produce also includes a gym membership fee.
It annoys the shit out of me.
AND, the people who check you out never smile. Tonight, when I ran in to grab corn and tomatoes, the guy walked away from the counter without saying a word so he could go throw a paper out two rows away.
I always approach and say HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?! Nothing.
If you really hate your job so much that you can’t smile and greet your customers, such as Michael this evening at my local store, then you need to go work somewhere else. The lady at the corner hot dog stand has better customer service than these people. It never fails. Save the overhead and have self check out!
Wait! Do you think because people are paying $5.99 for a pack of gum….gives you the permission to ignore your customers and treat us like shoe leather? Oh wait, you thought we were the plastic shoe leather? Pleather? THAT explains so much then.
But should one of their friends come up to help bag, whoa! It’s all fun and games….my, how the tides turn. Did I just slide down the rabbit hole? Apparently you are just hard of hearing and you didn’t hear my greeting.
Maybe I should just start yelling at people.
Let’s move forward.
********* The Salad Bar *********
So the tremendous salad bar. They have a great selection of soups. If you enjoy soups.
The salad bar is a typical salad bar. A variety of leafy greens to select and toppings. Nicely done.
Then the opposite side is mixed salads, rice salads, weird shit and shit I wouldn’t eat as I don’t eat weird shit or limp shit, or shit I can’t pronounce.
I’m sorry but when you see zucchini and squash that has been sliced lengthwise and then grilled….placed under heat lamps….it’s not right. They’re limp. They’re gross. It’s veggie abuse. Same goes for the eggplant. It is a horror flick right there in the deli. I have to turn the other way as it makes my stomach turn. Kind of like smelling sour milk.
Imagine holding up a piece of limp grilled zucchini in your hand….it falls over. So sad. It was excited at one point, I’m certain of it. Who wants limp shit? Okay, maybe a starving Sasquatch.
But apparently someone out there is enjoying the limp shit. Desperate, hungry, rich people, that don’t know about crisp veggies. Imagine holding up a piece of limp grilled zucchini in your hand….it falls over. So sad. It was excited at one point, I’m certain of it.
The thing I hate about going around that damn salad / deli area are the people.
Which brings me to another point of the experience at Whole Foods….
2. The regulars. Maybe it’s where I live. I think it’s a feeling of entitlement. I’ve started to wonder what’s happened to two things: personal space and common courtesy. It’s not like we’re on the NYC subway here….ass to coot-chy …. DAMN.
Bumping elbows, watches, shoulders, baskets, hips…..okay – BACK THE FUCK UP!
Unless you are planning on popping open a bottle of wine in aisle 9 and then taking me to dinner, you are way too close to me. Knock it off.
There is no reason for your shoes to be hitting my shoes – there is plenty of space to go around me. I am all of 5’2 on a good day and it’s not like I weigh in like a gorilla. I don’t even have a cart! There’s simply no reason to be up my ass, over my shoulder, climbing up my eyeballs to get around me.
Take a breath.
Take a step to the side.
Go around me.
SAY EXCUSE ME! It’s not difficult!
If I stop to look at something, you are going to have to adjust your plan and detour. Don’t roll your eyes and huff at me. I’m not your child and am certainly not your spouse. Life does not revolve around you, jackass. Get over it. I’m putting my basket down and looking at this colon detox powder for the next ten minutes or until you stop glaring at me. If you’re going to continue, I will pick up this anal itch cream and ask you if you’ve tried it.
Don’t tempt me.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah….life sucks….get in line with the rest of us. Waaaahhhhhh.
Oh my god….if you are going to shop in here, suck it up and act like an adult.
That’s what I don’t get. To shop in Whole Foods, you have to have money, yet all these people in here act like five year olds.
They’re playing chicken with their carts in the aisles.
I’m not moving….you are going to have to climb over me if you want to get that hot sauce, fucker.
They will run you down to get to the salad bar – and block it. MINE! IT’S ALL MINE!
Missy is going to be a defensive blocker for the vegan cheese display and then at the organic wine area.
Sorry, did you want to get in the front door? I’m cleaning my cart handle off with the sanitary wipe. Sorry.
Clint is on his phone shouting about his latest trade while trying to choose what bread to get sliced. PICK ONE!
For the love of all things holy – concentrate – get your shopping done and move out of the way for the rest of humanity.
******* The End Result *******
I’m done with Whole Foods.
We have found a fabulous farmer’s market up north we go to every weekend. We can fill up bags and bags of fresh produce for just dollars. It’s fantastic. Right from the farms. I can go to our little guy and get what we affectionately call…”Hooker Vaginas”….but we have to get there early as he sells out. We get a quart for $10 and then I usually get my own for $3 and enjoy it in the car on the way home. Eric sometimes gets one as well. It’s good for us yumminess.
I would rather drive 30 minutes and go to a Trader Joe’s than go through the non-sense we continue to experience at a Whole Foods. I don’t get it. It’s not worth it. They’re not making me feel like a valuable customer and I’m not going to support them as a business. It’s ridiculous. Yes, they may be easy and healthy, but there is lots to be said about good customer service and feeling welcomed into the establishment.
Thanks for letting me vent…..I feel lighter…..like dandelion fluff or glitter in a confetti cannon.