Tag Archives: annoyed

This Way to the Pink Flamingos Please.

One night my better half says, “Oh yeah, next week I have a dinner engagement.”

Oh, okay….whatcha doin?

“My company is a sponsor for the Pink Flamingo Awards, so I”m going to go.”

My response….blink blink. Blink blink.

Pink flamingos?

You didn’t think I’d want to go?

A. It’s an award show

B. There’s pink flamingos

I say, “Okay so can you bring a date?”

He says, “Well yeah.

Okay then…I’m coming.

He then advises me its to support the local LGBT Visitors Center and they’ll have Drag Queens.

My jaw hits the floor.

AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME ABOUT THIS SOONER? Hello? How long have we been together? This is right up my alley. These woman are fabulous!

To double check, I ask if this is a dress up event. Yes. Wear a dress.

Perfect. Got the perfect black dress.

He then says, because up until now, I’ve had a shit day…..you could wear one of your wigs.

Stop the train! REALLY!

GET

OUT!

I immediately ran to the box where I keep my wigs.

I knew exactly the one I wanted. Got it out. Got my comb. Brushed it out. Tried it on. Was delighted.

So excited.

The Wednesday arrived and the plan was hatched….meet at the Miami Convention Center at 7:00PM and enjoy the night. Silent auction, dinner, cocktails, award show – oh my! Whoop, whoop!

5:30PM I call the Mister and tell him I’m heading over to our company gym to shower and get my wig on. He says, “oh that’s too early, might as well wait.”

Okay, well you know what? Don’t listen to a man, when you know how long it’s going to take you to get ready. What the hell do they know anyway?

They know bubkiss.

They’re a PIMA. (Pain. In. My. Ass.)

I thought he might be right. So I waited until 6:10PM.

Went over to the gym.

Jumped into the shower.

Did my make up.

Put almond oil all over my arms and legs so I have not only a nice scent but subtle glow to my skin. Perfect!

Add the perfume and then take my black dress out of the cotton garment bag.

I pulled my grey and black shoes out and my satin handbag…finally, it was time to get dressed.

Please note: At this point in the evening’s program, we have a problem Houston…

It all went to hell in a hand basket and we were in the express lane. And the express lane was free of charge tonight. Of course.

Knew it. Should have went with my gut. Why? Why, listen to a man when it comes to getting ready?

Unless he is a Drag Queen or a prima donna – they’re clueless. PIMA!

I am so unimpressed at this point.

There I am, half dressed in my cute black dress with not a soul to be found in the ladies locker room and the
fucking zipper on the back of my dress is stuck. I don’t just mean stuck as in I’ve gained a lot of weight and it won’t zip. I mean like it’s frozen and not going to move an inch.

There’s a good five inches to go before it’s zipped up to the top – which would be mid back.

My hands were previously oiled, so I wash them yet again.

Nothing.

I pull the dress down as far as I can.

Nothing.

I try and turn the dress around to the front to shimmy the zipper.

Nothing.

I pull the dress up higher and try to pull the zipper up.

Nothing.

I try squeezing the zipper together.

Nothing.

I contemplate going as is.

Not happening.

I ponder wearing my sheer black and white polka dot shirt that I wore to work over the dress.

(only if I’m desperate) And that’s not really an option.

I contort my arms to try again to pull the zipper up.

First, left arm over. UGH!!!

Then the right arm over the top…..

Maybe if I turn just a little.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I wait and hope a female walks in.

Tick tock.

Nothing.

I think about going out into the gym. It’s a guy at the desk and think…..He could zip it. What if he can’t? Okay that would be embarrassing.

On the way to the awards I could stop somewhere and buy something, which is a good idea.

But then I’d have to get OUT of this dress and I can’t do that either.

Well what the hell?

I stop and look at myself in the mirror. Sweat, is pouring down my face. I’m a total mess. Is the air conditioning on? TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING!!! THE ALASKAN IS DYING IN HERE!

You have got to be kidding me.

Maybe the sewn in slip is bunched up and I start patting down all the layers.

NOW! How about NOW!!! Arms go up and over to work the zipper.

I try and pull the dress up as far up to my arm pits again.

Nothing.

I rest my sweaty forehead against the mirror.

Fuck it.

I pack up my bag.

My plan is to go as is and my better half is going to have to figure it out in the parking lot. Mental note, pack black duct tape in the car next time.

I am pissed…..I don’t have time to brush my teeth and what is even worse…..

I
don’t
have
time
to
put
on
my
wig.

I have to go. I wash my hands and do a final makeup touch up. By makeup – touch up I really mean mop my face with paper towels. I return to get my bag and try one last fricking time with this damn zipper.

Just kidding! Zip! Tah-dah! No problem.

Are you kidding me?

For the love of Pete.

I get to the car and it’s 6:50PM. Zip over the Causeway to Miami Beach. The air conditioning is on FULL ARCTIC BLAST and I arrive at the Convention Center just in time for cocktails. I throw on the fascinator I made for a Titanic dinner in Juneau….and while it wasn’t my wig I got enough compliments, so I was happy enough.

We arrive and head immediately to the bar. I’m busy texting a friend about an item I bidder on him from the Floppy Rooster….I stop suddenly and when I look up we’re behind not one but TWO Drag Queens. Lady one, later advised the crowd she was NOT a Drag Queen but a transgender, which was fine. She was lovely. Reminded me of someone I know. The other one. Well, I admit…………startled the hell out of me. One of those, I couldn’t help but stare, but not stare for fear she’d call me out on it. Nope, no picture needed. Thanks!

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When Modern Tech Goes to Shit

 

brokenNo. No. No.

It’s me.  Not you.

After today, this is what I’m thinking.

It has
to be me – nearly every electrical thing I’ve touched this week has gone to shit.    Think I’m kidding, let me tell you.

CASE ONE:  The iPad.

I love my iPad.

Love it.

I don’t even know all the things it can do and I love it.

Although, I admit it, at first, I didn’t want to buy into it.  I didn’t want it for squat.  I had multiple bookcases filled with books.  This was my main reason for buying an iPad, along with Word abilities, the Net and eMail.

Yatta, yatta.  Yeah, whatever.  However, the main reason:

BOOKS.

I love to read.

You mean to tell me, I can carry 100 books with me?  In my bag?  O. M. G.

The catch for me was this….one of my favorite jobs was working at a Barnes & Noble throughout college.

B O O K S

I love the smell.  The feel.  The weight.  Holding books in my hand.  Turning the pages, smelling the ink, the crisp new pages yet to be seen by anyone’s eyes – these are some of the things that make my heart sing.  Virgin pages, never folded, free of marks.  I can spend  hours in a book store just wandering the aisles, all the volumes I’ve yet to read, topics unheard of….just waiting for me to pick them up.

Why did I need a stinking iPad?  I NEED the physical characteristics of the books, like a crack addict needs their multiple daily hits.  Like a car overhauling junkie needs their rebuild.

I caved.

I bought the first iPad.  Thus my junkie life of the iPad began.

However, before I continue this story, walk with me a moment, as we sometimes do….

Pour yourself a Jameson, Cockburn’s or wine of choice and let’s saunter together down the familiar roadway that is our twisted memory – filled with decrepit has beens and once glorified Jettson carton treasures of could have been.

Cue the dream music played by simulated harp.

Do you remember…..granted, depending on your age, you may or may not remember any of this.  If that’s the case, then just move on to your next blog and call it a good read.

Modern technology, for all the wonderful things it brings into our lives, annoys the shit out of me when it craps out and becomes useless.  Previously we had to actually demonstrate patience on a daily basis.  Not any more.  Today it’s all about instant gratification.  This in and of itself explain why NOBODY in Miami has any patience.

  • I remember going to the bank and the teller would have to type on my savings passport any deposit or withdrawal I made.
  • Our telephone was attached to the wall and the receiver had a rope that attached it to the button box that we used to actually push to the numbers.  Not to mention rotary dials!
  • Phone numbers started with letters.  KE5-5689
  • Toll booth plazas that actually took money.
  • TVs that were so large they sat on the floor and were their own piece of furniture.
  • Getting up to change the channel on the TV.
  • Ditto machines.
  • Thermal fax machines – and trying to uncurl your paper to read the fax.
  • 8-tracks
  • Beta players
  • Buying singles on 45 records and needing the special plastic part for the middle in order to play on your record player.
  • Coin operated pay phones.
  • Polaroid Cameras – true instant gratification snaps!
  • TYPEWRITERS!  I swear, I took the very last typewriter class.  BEST class I ever took.
  • Electric razors.  Although there’s something to be said about lathering up a man.

See what I’m saying, there’s no process any more – it’s all the instant process.  Hurry up and get it done is the mentality today.  There’s something to be said about taking your time, going through a process.  Like making home baked items whether it’s pasta, bread or lasagna ….. the time says something.

My iPad crapped out with a GIANT dead zone across the screen.  It made all types of things difficult.  Words With Friends became impossible as I couldn’t drag and drop my word tiles.  GRRRRRRRRR…..

Worse yet…as I sat in the hair stylist chair, ready for my ordeal, I settled into the chair, opened my iBook only to be horrified:

The iPad  selected, on it’s own, what book I should read.  Which I closed.  I opened the one I wanted.  It then continued to highlight, cut and paste various paragraphs….shut down the book, open another, highlight, cut & paste.

W T F!

It got so bad, I had to turn it off.

Long story, made an appointment with the Genius Apple folks – the something something  yatta thing is dead and I need a new iPad.  1/3 of my touch screen was dead, causing it to select things at random.  It was ridiculous. So here we go.   I expected it.  It was an old machine.

Get home and begin the upload of my download.  (I should have had kids, or I really need to make friends with 12 year olds who can fix the electrical shit.)

27 hours later…..my new iPad is still “uploading the back up.”

NOTHING  HAS   CHANGED.

Okay, I’m now officially on withdrawl.  And I’ve jumped off the high diving board, which in real life, scares the crap out of me.  (Remind me later to tell you how I did this with a bunch of soon to be Marines.)

I come out to the living room to bitch.  The Mister tells me….”you have a bookcase full of books.”

Oh, okay.

DON’T

EVEN

START

THAT

WITH

ME

M I S T E R.

The book I fucking want to read is on this piece of shit machinery that I can’t even access!!!! You see my fucking problem??!?!?  Do you?!?!?

I

AM

NOT

HHHHAAAAAAPPPPPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!

Long work days, stress and life in general…some nights I just want to read, in bed, with a glass of wine.  This night I could not do that.  This gives new meaning to having heads spin and green pea soup spitting out of mouths.

Yea, I am stuck to the ceiling, like some poltergeist entity.  And at this exact moment in time, I prefer it.  Just leave me be – thank you.  If you pick at me like a scab on your leg – you will regret it.

Trust.  Me.

I turned the fucking iPad off and climbed into bed at 9:15PM.  Annoyed, with a side of pissy.  It was safest for everyone at that point.

CASE TWO:  Nokia Cell Phone.

I am on my third Nokia phone.  I am a sucker for the camera.  It’s great.  In the last two months the little fucker has frozen up FOR DAYS.

Can’t slide the screen to save my soul for anything.

I could be trapped on the escalator to hell and having one call to safety – royally screwed as the dumb ass Nokia is yet again frozen in time.

The previous Nokia phone, if I was on a call too long, it would start setting off the flash for the camera and would get too hot to hold.  Literally.

Not kidding.

Now it freezes and I can’t use it.

For days.

Annoys me to no end.

Should have gone with the iPhone.  Of course, after my debacle with the iPad this week (two visit to the Genius bar, I’m thinking I’m going back to string and tin can.)

CASE THREE:  The dryer.

I start laundry today….Saturday.  The first load goes into the dryer only for a minute or two ….. just to get the wrinkles out.  Nothing major.  Pull it out, hang it up without incident.

In goes load two.

10 minutes later I go in to take those delicate items out that need to be hung up so they don’t wrinkle.

Hey!  Where’s the heat?!  I’m like the little old lady from the Wendy’s commercial from year’s ago…”Where’s the beef?!”  I’m pissed.  You have to be kidding me.  Seriously?

I unplug the machine.  I turn the dial.  I check the filter.  I restart.  Hit the GO button.

A few minutes later…..

NO HEAT!

Are you kidding?!

I march out to the living room and state to The Mister:  “The dryer has no heat.”

He comes in and does the same thing I just did.  NOTHING.  I mean

N O T H I N G

Now the machine doesn’t even turn on.

We flip the breakers.  Nothing.

I have now decided not to touch anything that is plugged into the wall.

Unless you want an electric shocker…..don’t touch me.

I am shocking the shit out of everything.

If I could figure out how to turn this into a paying job……

 

 

Could I Get Any More Annoyed?

It’s always one thing after another.
It doesn’t matter what it is….it’s always something.
Do you have those kinds of days?
Where it’s gone way beyond the, “Are you kidding me? Give me a break!” stage to the “For Fuck’s Sake!” Death Con 4 stage.

I’m having a day like that today.

Hard to tell if it’s anger or annoyance. Or both. It’s no one thing – it’s everything!

Yes, I did take my happy pills this morning and contemplated doubling the dosage. Thank goodness for Mr. Happy Camper. Although being happy does not mean I want to go camping. Thank you. Camping would not make me happy today, it would be another thing to annoy the hell out of me.

It started with a 4:00AM wake up.
Coughing.
Blowing crap out my nose.
Coughing.
Sneezing crap out my nose.
Praying the dog doesn’t hear me because sure as hell she’ll want to go out. I’m not getting out of the bed at 4:00AM.

Better half was up at 4:30AM – his own choice, as he had to take the dog out before work. No, we’re not the kind that let’s our dog out the front door and expects her to understand to look both ways before crossing the street. We actually walk her. On a leash. Daily. Four times.

I can attest to people who think their dogs are smart enough to get out of the way of vehicles – they’re not! My 35 foot bus will kill your dog. I’ve been there, personally. Your dog isn’t a human and doesn’t understand. Of course, some humans aren’t smart enough to look both ways before crossing either. Come to Juneau, Alaska in the summer and the tourists think they’re in a Disney World resort town. Step off the sidewalks. Aimlessly wander the streets. Hello? Yes, we are in fact, a functioning city. Actually…we are the capital city of Alaska – now get back on the sidewalk you nutter.

After I flush out my nasal cavities – as a good friend of my swears by…which by the way I think the same thing every morning:

Nostril one: Really? This works? I’m having doubts.
Nostril two: I’m on day seven of this damn cold and can’t shake the snot.

Onwards and upwards, while today is an official day off for me…I do check emails as it’s a Wednesday and in reality, a work day for others. Provided they aren’t updating Facebook or watching the latest download on iTunes.

Yesterday evening, at 5:05PM exactly, I put a disclaimer on my email that I would be out of my office today. Which is good as there are multiple messages where after reading them, I search for the large rock I like to beat my head against. Don’t ask what the emails were about, let’s just say I now have a bloody mass on the right side of my forehead.

Must.
Keep.
Hitting.
Head.
Rock.

Emails….they’re an addiction. Would you rather bring your device to check emails on a deserted island – if that was all you could use your device for OR bring a fully stocked 40 foot trailer worth of food? I’d wager most would prefer to have email access. You never get alone time anymore. We’re all tethered to the universe.

Well today, I’m saying, “screw the universe.”

Although, I will admit I sent one email this morning. A rant to my boss about a charter. In the end I thanked him for listening and told him not to worry, I’ve got it covered. We’ve worked together over 11 years. No, he hasn’t responded. Our relationship is like a marriage but different.

Annoyance level is at about 40%.

Apparently the e-collar we borrowed for the dog is no longer working. I had to apologize to our fat cat, Liggy. She’s on her own. Defend yourself as the zapper is out of zap. Mrs. Pickles, the dog, would love Liggy to play with her. Liggy, the 18 pound cat, while secretly hoping the dog will play with her, continues to growl every time the dog exhales. It’s exhausting. I finally told Liggy, if she didn’t like looking at the dog, to go into the other room. Instead, Liggy lays down next to the dog bed. Game on!

So after the rock thumping email reading and cat chasing drama. I proceeded to wash the dog. She’s about 45 pounds now. Well she stunk and needed a bath. I’m bigger than her, so I win, get in the tub. Me, in my pj’s, wrestling the dog into the tub. Twice.

Made me ponder alligator wrestling. There’s a sport I might succeed in actually. Picking up a 45 pound, unhappy, wriggling dog might be similar. Only if I was to wrestle a baby alligator. Without teeth. Or claws.

Accomplished the bath for the dog and then proceeded to prepare myself for the day. By this time I realized the roofers weren’t showing up again today. So my annoyance level was hovering at about 87.9%. I contacted my better half (who is more level headed in all regards than myself) and suggested, since I was already bitchy maybe I should send an email to the roofing company owner. We call that “Going Philly” in our house, since I’m from there. (Which, side note…those of you who look on kindness as a weakness….well that’s stupid) We had an earlier conversation with our neighbor, who we’re attached to, about the lack of work on behalf of the roofer. Our neighbor summed it up perfectly when they didn’t show up on Monday: “fuckers.”

Roofer man replied and said due to the weather and not wanting to get water in our roofs they’ve had some delays. Really? Today it’s 65 and not a cloud in the sky, where the hell are you? Oh, previous commitment. Half the roof is ripped apart, half of it remains with the old shingles. Are you waiting for the second coming of Noah’s Ark before you bust a gut trying to get our roof finished? Seriously, the longer you wait into the summer season in Juneau, the better chance you have of torrential downpours that remind you of those log flume rides at Great Adventure Amusement Parks! Fear not, two hummingbirds just arrived in our back yard, followed by two Labrador retrievers and strangely enough…two squirrels. I’ll get the check list.

Nice sunny day, I decide on my day off, I will take my book outside, with a cup of coffee, slice of cinnamon coffee cake and put the dog on the run. Sitting outside on the deck, on a sunny day is fantastic! Still snow capped Thunder Mountain off to my left and a nice little green belt of forest off to my right, concealing the neighbors. Love it. Mrs. Pickles can chase butterflies and poop in the forest. Perfect.

Upon arriving into the kitchen, I notice Liggy’s food bowl is under the kitchen table. Licked clean. Wrong! Someone got the food bowl down off the counter and ate everything. Since the cats are NOT counter surfers, there was only one culprit. Mrs. Pickles. I scolded her with “NO! BAD DOG!” and picked up the bowl. I turned around to throw something into the garbage and found a huge wad of plastic wrap by the trash can. No, my first assumption was incorrect. Mrs. Pickles did NOT go through the garbage, as the lid was still on. Instead she ate what was left of the cinnamon coffee cake! 3/4 of a loaf.

I was not happy.
Annoyance level was now firmly planted at a 105%.

So annoyed I put myself in a time out and counted to 50.
Still annoyed.
YOU ATE THE ENTIRE FUCKIN COFFEE CAKE!
So annoyed, I couldn’t even look at her as it was beyond, “NO! BAD DOG!”

On our way outside, my cell phone rings. It’s my girlfriend’s daughter. Her mom sold me on some new beauty gadget I had to get from Nordstroms. Today, yes, I will gladly buy that gadget, here’s my credit card number. Her daughter was so upbeat and happy – she turned my annoyance down to about 75% by the time we hung up. Mrs. Pickles and I played fetch for a while in the yard. Growling and running around. I was growling. She was running. Thank you.

Not long after I sat down on the deck….enjoying the sunshine and I will admit a jelly jar glass of wine….my cell phone rings and another friend is on the line. Word travels fast as she’s heard about the cinnamon coffee cake incident already. Oy. Laughter ensues and my annoyance is down to about 40%.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see two shapes: a brown and a black, barreling towards our yard. The neighbor’s dogs. These two dogs weigh easily close to 100 pounds. They are big labs. More than twice the size of Mrs. Pickles. All goes well until they start to chase each other. Mrs. Pickles on her line, running in circles trying to get away. Or get caught, hard to tell. The owner comes over to collect his two dogs and all is well.

Until.
One of the labs….hovers over my newly planted shrubs.
And pees.