I don’t get it.
We’ve all been there.
Yet it’s mind boggling. It makes no sense.
Let’s reflect, here at gate D-47.
There’s 15 minutes until boarding time, plenty of time to grab a coffee, visit the restroom, buy a newspaper, down a few shots of Jagermeister, make a phone call, snag a sandwich and some snacks for the flight but no.
Already passengers are lining up at the start of the catwalk entrance for the airplane.
The airline representative at the gate announces over the loudspeaker:
In a few minutes, we will begin the boarding process. Please take note of your seat assignment and board when your row is called.
Right. Like this actually matters.
Watch out, you’re about to get trampled! Everyone and their brother pushes forward towards the gate.
Bags are hefted on to shoulders.
Pulley suitcases are squared up behind, wheels double checked for quick launch and shoes scuffed against flooring, like bulls in tauromachia, to ensure successful dodging of all slow pokes ahead.
Also remember at this time, your carryon bag must fit in the overhead compartment. If it doesn’t fit in the overhead compartment, we are happy to gate check it for you. (Side note: or just try and ram it into the overhead compartment while everyone watches while silently cursing you….as you are delaying the flight.. and see who wins, you or the Boeing 747)
Ladies and gentleman thank you for flying with Vexatious Airlines. We are now going to begin boarding.
So begins the litany of prequalified fliers who are oh so savvy and much more dignified than you to actually BEGIN the boarding process:
First Class passengers.
Global Platinum Card Members / Vexatious Advantage Shakers and Movers Members
Global Silver Card Members / Vexatious Advantage Unique Personality Members
Global Business Card Members / Vexatious Advantage Mediocre Members
At this point you look around and a third of the gate has boarded the airplane.
Thank you for your patience. We would like to continue boarding with our Vexatious Advantage Members who have reached Movie Star Status.
Those fliers who have reached Vexatious Advantage Soap Star Status, please board the plane now.
Thank you for your patience, our guests who have reached Vexatious Advantage Aim for the Stars Coupon Book Status please come down the catwalk.
Another third have disappeared towards the plane. Huh.
Welcome aboard to our Cat Lover Club
Welcome aboard to our Dog Lover Club
At this time, thank you for waiting, we would like to welcome aboard those guests who had tickets to the original Woodstock. Those of you who had tickets to a Farm Aid concert, your time to board will be coming up, please wait for your announcement.
Members of the press, we would like to offer you this time to board.
Families traveling with small children, or those who need extra assistance when boarding, you may board at this time. If you need extra assistance, we hope you brought someone with you for that assistance. If you are traveling with an emotional support pet please wait until you are called for boarding.
Uniformed military personal, you can board at this time. We thank you for your service.
Thank you for your patience, those who are too attached to their electronic devices to pay any attention to these announcements, we invite you to board at this time. You aren’t listening anyway.
Prima donnas please board at this time and anyone who thinks they are all that, but aren’t even the pickle on the plate, please board at this time because you aren’t listening to any directions anyway because you think it’s all about you anyway.
Our guests who are traveling with emotional support pets, including but not limited to: Golden Retrievers, teacup chihuahuas himalayan cats, ferrets, ducks, teacup pigs, pygmy donkeys, ferrets, camels, spider monkeys, albino lizards, wallabies, hamsters, turkeys, porcupines, rabbits.
Farm Aid ticket holders, you are welcome to board at this time.
You look around and only a handful of people remain.
At this time we would like to begin general boarding beginning with the back of the plane. For those guests in row 35 – 20 please board now. Oh, forget it. There’s only 6 of you left, please figure it out and board now.
Everyone is so anxious to get on the plane, they can’t hardly stand it. It’s all about pushing and shoving. And for what exactly?
To be cramped in a tiny seat, with no leg room, shared armrests, crawling with bacteria and if you are damn lucky….your seat mates won’t be chatty. The toilets smell, unless bless the hearts of your flight crew (Who, by the way, have one of the hardest and least appreciated jobs in the entire world. I thank them for all they do to make our journeys the easiest and most enjoyable they can.) have put a bag of coffee in the tiny little lavatory to absorb the piss-o-roma fragrance.
P.S. Note, I don’t care about your kids, grandkids, your job, where you live or what book you’re reading or where you’re going. I don’t like to fly. I only do it because it’s the quickest way to get there and I’m a little claustrophobic so please, leave me alone. I simply get into my seat, wipe everything down with my Clorox wipes, put in my earplugs and do my best to tune everything out.
As the fliers race down the gate catwalk, waving their boarding pass in hand to be scanned, their magical entrance to the airplane granted and approved…quickly scurry beyond the doorway down the jetway.
Only. To. Be. Halted. 40 people back on the jetway.
Que the evil laugh.
They can’t wait to get out of the boarding area. One of the privileged few. Look at me. See you suckers. I’m outta here. Yeah, well….guess what.
Here we all are.
In the jetway.
Aren’t you precious?
Let me grab my eyeballs before they roll out onto the tarmac.
You go from one waiting area to the next. Why the rush?
Everyone gets on the plane. No need to shove and sigh and huff and puff.
Bags stowed and we get into the air.
For as absurdly impatient everyone was to get on the damn plane, it’s as if they had no idea everyone was expected to actually get off the plane upon arrival at the destination.
The plane lands, sometimes to the sound of applause…and arrives at the gate.
Passengers excitedly leap out of seats and annoyingly tap fingers and roll their eyes….annoyed we aren’t moving faster to get off the silver bullet.
Somewhere from the time we left the last departure lounge, to the time we arrived at the new gate…..the hundreds of passengers on this plane have had a mind fart. Where has all the urgency gone?
Suddenly nobody can find their bags. Where’s my glasses? Where’s my book? Where’s my chapstick? Did I have a jacket? Did I bring a water bottle? What about the cell phone? What gate are we going to? I can’t find my shoes! Is this my suitcase? This isn’t my bag! Where’s my husband? What city is this? Oh I’m not getting off here. Can you help me close this zipper?
The circulating air has made everyone slow and stupid. People who couldn’t get on the plane fast enough suddenly have spent the last 10 minutes, or longer taxinging from the runway to the gate picking their nose and pondering how daises grow rather than gathering their shit up from their seat and organizing their departure!
Fuck people – if you would pull yourselves together we could all get off the damn plane faster. You idiots were so concerned about getting on first. It’s all about me. ME. ME. ME FIRST. FIRST. FIRST. However when we land, it’s like you’ve lost your mind.
Snap out of it and focus. You are holding the rest of us up. From the time the pilot said we have begun the 20 minute decent for landing, the smart ones started packing up. Plan ahead folks….for arrival….not just the departure. It works both ways.
Be smart. Travel smart. Get out of my way.