Category Archives: fighting

Maybe if I Said it in Pig Latin, You’d Understand

There is one particular word in every language that drives people crazy.

They can’t comprehend it’s meaning.

It confuses the hell out of them.

Baffles them.

When uttered, it sends normal people into a rage in 2.49 seconds.

It can send children into bawling tantrums in less time.

It’s a small.  Simple. Word.

A word that apparently, people didn’t grasp it’s true definition in school

That word is:






Such a small little word.  NO.



There is the letter, “N” and the letter “O.”  So simple.  NO.

The world’s languages are filled with NO, it’s not just the English version:

Non, née, nein, nahi, nem, nai, ne, nu, niet, nyet, nej,não…..but wait… look….there’s more….ez, hindi, ohee, tidak, aniyo, hapana, không, a’ole, waka….and the list goes on and on and on.  (Please consider this your lesson for the day on:  How to say NO in 20 languages.  You’re welcome.)

Never has a word evoked such anger, frustration, denial and dumbfounded moments and also throwing caution to the wind and trying something new.  I’m not going to speak to the anger and frustration.  But the other emotions that come out of being told WAKA (Manchu) are ridiculous.

For example, many moons ago, and by many moons ago, I am literally referring to the passing of time by watching many moons come and go.  (If you need a timestamp, as your moon clock is off, then this would be decades ago when I was married.) I was told NAHI (Hindi) by my computer.  It went something like this:  Do not download this file.  It has malicious content attached and could be a virus.  Red lights started flashing, sirens went off, my index finger went stiff so I couldn’t click the mouse and the malicious content police came to the front door.

Well.  What.  Could.  Really.  Happen?

Here’s the problem with being told:  Do not download this file.

I might need that file.  How do I know I need that file if I can’t see the file?

In my mind, the computer gets a virus and we’ll just clean it with the virus software.  They have programs for that.  

This is exactly what I was thinking.

I’m curious.  I can’t help myself.  You tell me not to do something, I am going to do the opposite.


RESULT:  Computer got a virus.  Husband was not pleased.  I didn’t need the file.


Last weekend I stopped at the mall by our house.  Which, this mall is a blog.  Good grief, the people.  The mobs.  The outfits.  The lack of outfits.  OMG.  The parking.  It’s insane.  But I had to go to the Apple store, which the iPad is still not right and I still can’t get my books, it’s never good when a reader doesn’t have her books.  HINDI (Filipinio), LO (Hebrew), NEM (Hungarian)!

At any rate, I’m making my way through the maze of bodies and this large woman is yelling and I mean yelling at her little boy.  He is all of about 3.  They’re standing outside the children’s “occupy time while a parent is shopping in the hallows of shopping hell arena” area.  I don’t know what he did, but I felt bad for him.

First of all, she was a beast.  She was towering over his little self.  Yelling.  It was quite obvious he had done something she didn’t like.  By god, he better not be doing that any time ever again in his life…..whatever IT was.  IT was not good.

I was expecting her giant head of cornrows to come swiveling off and explode like a firecracker as I went past.  Hurry up and walk faster.  I don’t want to loose my eye to one of those whippets.

Secondly, I could just tell from the look on his face he had OHEE (Greek) idea what he had done wrong.  He was simply at a loss.  Clueless.

True.  He could have been in trouble for anything from punching another little kid to dropping a napkin on the ground to stepping on her foot.  I will never know.  The look on his little face, looking up at her, completely lost as to why she was screaming at him….it was sad.  Sad.  Sad.   His AHAA (Nepali) experience was dumbfoundedness.  Bless his little cotton socks.  Or here in Florida, his flip flops.

Another type of NON (French) moment experience is when you want something so badly and you just simply can not and will not have it not matter what you try.








I am dealing with a situation currently, that has been going on for OVER A MONTH.  About two weeks ago I finally had to say out loud to a business partner, “I don’t know how many other ways to tell this person NO.”  To give you an example, walk with me and let me tell you a story:

Imagine you ran a restaurant and every Tuesday you host a murder mystery dinner with 100 seats available.  It sells out every Tuesday, so people buy tickets in advance.  It’s a very popular local event.

One day you get a call and the person says they have 100 people for the show next month.  Unfortunately, you have already sold some seats for the night they are interested in and can only give them 75 tickets.  They can’t change their date, so they decide to take the 75 seats and ask if you can get more seats.

No.  There are no more seats.  There is a limit for how many can fit in the restaurant.

Every day they call.

Them:  Can you bring in more actors and do the show in the parking lot?

Me:  No.  The health department will not allow us to operate in the parking lot.  Please   stop selling tickets to this event.

THEM:  Did you find any more seats?  Did anyone cancel?

ME:  No.  What we can do is a private affair at a later time in the day for 130 of your guests.

THEM:  That’s not acceptable, we don’t want the private function.  Can you rent out the restaurant down the street and move everything there so there is more space?

ME:  No.  We are not moving our restaurant.

THEM:  Our numbers have increased.  We are now at 150 people.  Can you rent tents and add on to the back of your property to hold our event?

ME:  No.  There is only an alley in the back.  There are no additional seats available.

THEM:  We found another company that is willing to help out with the show.  Can you work with them?

ME:  No.  We do not have a contract with them for services.

Other people from various departments within their company start to call you and ask you the same thing.  The answer is the same thing over and over.  We have tried everything, there are no more seats.  Had you planned in advance, we could have reserved the entire dinner event for you.  I’m sorry but NO, there are NO more seats.  (Please attach me to the Vodka IV drip….thank you.)

Lastly, one of the most interesting kinds of ELLA (Zuni) is when you say, “JEN (Danish).  I haven’t done that.  Let’s give it a go!”  Haven’t tried it – let’s go for it.  You might actually enjoy it.

Of course, there are things I definitely wouldn’t do if offered the chance.  Stick my head in a lion’s mouth.  Well, actually, let me think about that….I might….depending on the circumstance, so that’s not a great example.

I don’t think I’d jump at the chance to eat a grasshopper.  Too big.  Cricket – yes – if deep fried and with hot sauce.  Why not.  Crunchy little buggers.  HA!

Not going to get me to jump out of a plane.  Not happening.  NYET (Russian).

But there are plenty of things I have yet to experience that if someone said, “hey have you….” and I haven’t….I bet I’d give it a shot.  Actually, let’s be realistic….I’d at least ponder the possibility of giving it a shot.   You know, like pedicures.  If you haven’t tried them you should!   They’re relaxing and will put your feet, whether they’re like Hobbit feet or horses’ hoofs, into a better state of appeal for all to enjoy.  The best part about a pedicure is they don’t even charge extra in those cases when you have an extra toe – which is fantastic!

Just saying.




Another Typical Day and I STILL Don’t Know Where to Look

I like people.



Scratch that.

That’s wrong.

I enjoy people watching.

They’re ridiculous.

What they are wearing.  What they are doing.  What they’re saying.  Truly the world is filled with the good, the bad, the funny and the down right idiotic.    Who said that was a good idea and why didn’t someone stop you? Gut instinct is not passé  but perhaps it needs more of a designer label before people begin to listen to it.

If you only knew what was going on inside my head, it would explain why there is a constant smell of a camp fire around me.  It’s hell’s calling card.  I’m on the fast track.

Friday, I was on my way into work.  I live north of Miami and work in the port.  (Don’t ask me why I chose this location.  I am now considering a closer location under an overpass by the Arena….I’m from Alaska and have a tent.  I hunt big game.  I’m not afraid.) When I moved, I shipped my car here.  You don’t see many of my car here.  And why are the Subaru an extinct species here?  Not that I drive one but good grief.  Odd.

Of course back home I only drove a total of 18 miles a day – round trip.  It took me maybe 15 minutes each way.  These lighted signs advising drivers it’s going to take 15 minutes to go 3 miles just about causes me to swallow my tongue each time I see the warning.  Certainly it has to be incorrect.

How can that be?

I won’t even go into discussion about the new….literally stop and basically turn left into I-95 traffic, forget about any sense about a practical merge lane from Ives Dairy.  While I am not an engineer….at least an actual on-ramp would have prevented that daily disaster.  It may be faster to actually get to the port by boat or even the blimp.  Has anyone considered this?  Is anyone thinking outside the box here?


Back to Friday.

I finally get into the heart of town and make my turn by Will Call.

Which, by the way is that place open 24 hours?  Is it like the Miami version of a 7-11?  I have yet to go past there when there wasn’t some kind of drama unfolding.

A co-worker described it as a “rough around the edges” bar.  Well, Alaska has rough around the edges bars.  I’ve been in those local, rough around the edges bars.   I’m talking about the true local bars – not ones where the tourists go when visiting the Last Frontier.  Yes, they truly are ROUGH.

Don’t ask me the intersection location because, as we do in Alaska, it’s the “Will Call” intersection. Which as I am quickly learning here….people expect you to actually know the cross streets.  When I was asked recently which Costco I use,  I said the one in North Miami.  The lady rolled her eyes and said, “WHICH ONE?!”  I sweetly said in my friendly Alaska way, “The one in North Miami on Biscayne.”  When she wanted me to confirm the actual street address it was my turn to roll eyes and I took a stab in the dark and said, “Yes, that’s the one.”  Seriously, come on, I know there’s 4,000 Walgreen’s in Miami but Costco hasn’t become THAT popular.

As I wait to turn at Will Call I see to my left….coming down the stairs…. some oddly placed pink fabric, long black hair lots and lots of skin and what appeared to be fishnet stocking but could have been thigh high boots.  All I know….I thought to myself ….WTH is that?

Wow…..a hooker!

Note:  If she was working in an office that would have been one hell of an office.


As I tried to pick my eyeballs up off the floor mats so I could get another glimpse of this lack of an outfit, I had my chance to turn right so I took it – to avoid the ever annoying honk of friendly Miamians.

Only to find two half naked men throwing punches AND CONNECTING those punches in the middle of the street.

My little car, Norman, was first in line to encounter these idiots.

OMG – NORMAN!  Get out of the way!  Horn was blaring, as much as Norman’s horn can blare.  If these guys fall and hit Norman he is going to get dented and I’m going to be pissed.

I get around them and then as luck would have it, they run up past me.  Still yelling and throwing punches.  Now more cars have joined the crowd due to the stop light.  Horns are  blaring…..why?

These idiots….instead of following what their gut indicators should be telling them, which is, fight or flight….keep running back AT each other.  They’re running back and forth across the street, around street poles, between cars …. like a woman trying to get the last pair of her most favorite shoes on sale at Nordstrom.  Good grief.

Commit.  Commit.  Commit.  Sharpen the elbows and commit.

Idiots, complete idiots these two.

One throws a punch and runs away.   The other runs after, catches up and throws a punch.  The other returns a punch and runs away.   It was the strangest mix of sissy girl fighting trying to be manly. Dana White would have been so disappointed.

Make a commitment!  Either stand your ground, be a man and fight like a man or accept defeat, put your dick between your legs and run away.


Miami, you’re killing me with laughter.