Riding a Hog – Part One.

Everyone needs a list of fun things they’d like to accomplish in life. The Bucket List.

Some may have:

Competing in American Ninja Warrior.
Joining a roller derby team.
Visiting far away places.
Going to a NASCAR race.
Winning America’s Got Talent.
Owning a Porche.
Learning to cook.
Eating a deep fried grasshopper.
Going to a UFC fight.
Meeting your favorite actor / actress / singer.

(*Note, only 4 of these are on my list..seriously.)

It’s anything that makes your heart sing. And sing loudly. At least in my book, that’s how it works.

Wingsuite

Some things that are definitely NOT on my Bucket List:

* Bungee jumping

* Soaring through the sky in a squirrel suit

* Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. (Although, please note I’m only like 92% NOT HAPPENING on this one.)

I must say, the right person may be able to convince me to go with them in tandem. And there is fine print for this to actually occur. This has a high probability of never happening.

Muir divingHave you ever seen the episode of Impractical Jokers when for punishment, Muir has to jump out of plane? Yeah, that would be me. I would be wearing Depends – for certain. And require a Vodka iv drip, however they probably frown on that therapy.

However, if the guy I was strapped to for the tandem, was a fucking hot stud. Let’s discuss it.

Anyway, we keep rolling forward…

Years ago, my friend Ted — who is a helicopter pilot — bought a Harley. I always said, “I will ride with Ted.” (To be clear, please note, I said, “ride with Ted”…not “ride Ted.” Thank you.) I know there could be some confusion there.

I love Ted. He is one of a very small select group of helicopter pilots that I fly with. Why? I’m not thrilled with flying. One of the other pilots I flew with all the time……besides Ted…….everyone would ask of this other pilot, “Why do you only fly with him?” That was such an easy question for me.

It was so obvious.

He had crash experience.
Duh.
And walked away.
Duh.

Back to the story….

Ted now lives in Arizona and I’m on the east coast. That ride is going to be a challenge to cash in on. This is a definite kink in the concept. I’ve realized this, so I’ve been keeping my ears open for a new biker. It can’t just be anyone, it has to be someone I trust and KNOW. Good lord, I’m not walking into a biker bar asking for a ride….

First, I am pretty certain I’d be offered a multitude of various rides.
Second, biker bars, last I checked aren’t listed in the phone book.
Unless you know someone, you’re not getting in.
….well, that may depend….if you’re asking for a ride…..

Just saying.

SO….let’s continue.

In your mind, imagine a fun local bar.
A live band.
A group of tourism industry folks hanging out.
Drinking.

There we are…

This past April, I was talking with a friend of mine, who said something along the lines of what sounded like he had a Harley.
What?
A what?
You think this band is gnarly?
You have a cat named Marley?
FUCK!
WHAT?

What.
Did.
You.
Just.
Say?

He says again what sounded suspiciously like…..he has a Harley.
I’m sorry, I scream over the band and pints of beer, did you say you have a Harley?

Hopeful anticipation of twitterpation, would be a word for me at this point.

Why, yes. Yes. He has a Harley.
To clarify, I scream: A bike?! The motorcycle?
Yes, it’s a something, something, something Harley.
(Forgive me for not remembering these details.)
Why?

Okay, let’s get serious.
This
Is
On my Bucket List.

I think at this point, I may have literally walked over the top of the table.
No, this wouldn’t be the first time I walked across the top of a table.
Shocking, I know.
It’s the shortest way from Point A to Point B – why fuck around?

And I sat next to him so I could clearly understand what we were talking about.

Here’s the deal: I want to go for a ride on a Harley.
Answer: He has a Harley and I can go for a ride.
Cost: Wear a leather corset.
When: July.

How do we make this deal?

Shit, where the hell am I going to get a leather corset, is running through my mind.

DEAL.
Spit & shake.
I’ll worry about the corset later.

Of course, the ladies with us, who were witnesses to this entire conversation were in hysterics. I must promise to take photos and keep them in the loop. We all work in tourism but live in separate areas of the world – literally. This is a perfect example of how our three days traveling through New England went.

Needless to say, now that I was confirmed on my ride, I was very excited.

How excited? Well. I may have left a wet mark.

Just saying.

Yes. That, excited.

The weeks roll along.

I am unable to easily find a leather corset – so that’s on my list now. (If you know a good supplier, tell me.) Who knew I’d need one! So I settled for something that would show boobs. Mind you, I have oranges, not melons. Not really tangerines. Oranges. I work with what god gave me. Thank you for the man who made push up bras. Yep, that’s about all I’ve got, right there.

I guess, the bonus for being a small titted woman, is I really won’t have much sag.
They certainly aren’t flopping off the sides of my chest any time soon.

So, in my book, that is a bonus for all small boobies in the world.

NOTE: I know you were hoping I’d post a photo of said boobies here….nope.

Two weeks prior to the event, I confirm we’re still a go.
Yep.

I’ll be riding with a husband and wife, both who have Harley bikes, in a fundraiser ride up in Maine.
I’ll be staying at their house – makes it easy.
Confirmed.
Confirmed.
Confirmed.
Let’s do this!

This past Friday I departed work early so I can head to Maine….let the adventures begin.

We have lift off!

Stay tuned for Part Two!

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4 thoughts on “Riding a Hog – Part One.

  1. Nate

    Wasn’t sure what to think when I saw the title 😉 And the UFC thing – that has to be one of the four!! As a personal favor to you, I’ll leave the entire citrus discussion alone…
    Safe trip!!!

    Reply
  2. Lea Ann

    Bucket list… Tandem parachute jump… and I quote, “Fucking hot, stud”, Here’s a piece of advice, when being strapped onto said “fucking hot stud” request that they strap you to him while facing him…
    The ride is so much more enjoyable!

    Reply

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