When Modern Tech Goes to Shit

 

brokenNo. No. No.

It’s me.  Not you.

After today, this is what I’m thinking.

It has
to be me – nearly every electrical thing I’ve touched this week has gone to shit.    Think I’m kidding, let me tell you.

CASE ONE:  The iPad.

I love my iPad.

Love it.

I don’t even know all the things it can do and I love it.

Although, I admit it, at first, I didn’t want to buy into it.  I didn’t want it for squat.  I had multiple bookcases filled with books.  This was my main reason for buying an iPad, along with Word abilities, the Net and eMail.

Yatta, yatta.  Yeah, whatever.  However, the main reason:

BOOKS.

I love to read.

You mean to tell me, I can carry 100 books with me?  In my bag?  O. M. G.

The catch for me was this….one of my favorite jobs was working at a Barnes & Noble throughout college.

B O O K S

I love the smell.  The feel.  The weight.  Holding books in my hand.  Turning the pages, smelling the ink, the crisp new pages yet to be seen by anyone’s eyes – these are some of the things that make my heart sing.  Virgin pages, never folded, free of marks.  I can spend  hours in a book store just wandering the aisles, all the volumes I’ve yet to read, topics unheard of….just waiting for me to pick them up.

Why did I need a stinking iPad?  I NEED the physical characteristics of the books, like a crack addict needs their multiple daily hits.  Like a car overhauling junkie needs their rebuild.

I caved.

I bought the first iPad.  Thus my junkie life of the iPad began.

However, before I continue this story, walk with me a moment, as we sometimes do….

Pour yourself a Jameson, Cockburn’s or wine of choice and let’s saunter together down the familiar roadway that is our twisted memory – filled with decrepit has beens and once glorified Jettson carton treasures of could have been.

Cue the dream music played by simulated harp.

Do you remember…..granted, depending on your age, you may or may not remember any of this.  If that’s the case, then just move on to your next blog and call it a good read.

Modern technology, for all the wonderful things it brings into our lives, annoys the shit out of me when it craps out and becomes useless.  Previously we had to actually demonstrate patience on a daily basis.  Not any more.  Today it’s all about instant gratification.  This in and of itself explain why NOBODY in Miami has any patience.

  • I remember going to the bank and the teller would have to type on my savings passport any deposit or withdrawal I made.
  • Our telephone was attached to the wall and the receiver had a rope that attached it to the button box that we used to actually push to the numbers.  Not to mention rotary dials!
  • Phone numbers started with letters.  KE5-5689
  • Toll booth plazas that actually took money.
  • TVs that were so large they sat on the floor and were their own piece of furniture.
  • Getting up to change the channel on the TV.
  • Ditto machines.
  • Thermal fax machines – and trying to uncurl your paper to read the fax.
  • 8-tracks
  • Beta players
  • Buying singles on 45 records and needing the special plastic part for the middle in order to play on your record player.
  • Coin operated pay phones.
  • Polaroid Cameras – true instant gratification snaps!
  • TYPEWRITERS!  I swear, I took the very last typewriter class.  BEST class I ever took.
  • Electric razors.  Although there’s something to be said about lathering up a man.

See what I’m saying, there’s no process any more – it’s all the instant process.  Hurry up and get it done is the mentality today.  There’s something to be said about taking your time, going through a process.  Like making home baked items whether it’s pasta, bread or lasagna ….. the time says something.

My iPad crapped out with a GIANT dead zone across the screen.  It made all types of things difficult.  Words With Friends became impossible as I couldn’t drag and drop my word tiles.  GRRRRRRRRR…..

Worse yet…as I sat in the hair stylist chair, ready for my ordeal, I settled into the chair, opened my iBook only to be horrified:

The iPad  selected, on it’s own, what book I should read.  Which I closed.  I opened the one I wanted.  It then continued to highlight, cut and paste various paragraphs….shut down the book, open another, highlight, cut & paste.

W T F!

It got so bad, I had to turn it off.

Long story, made an appointment with the Genius Apple folks – the something something  yatta thing is dead and I need a new iPad.  1/3 of my touch screen was dead, causing it to select things at random.  It was ridiculous. So here we go.   I expected it.  It was an old machine.

Get home and begin the upload of my download.  (I should have had kids, or I really need to make friends with 12 year olds who can fix the electrical shit.)

27 hours later…..my new iPad is still “uploading the back up.”

NOTHING  HAS   CHANGED.

Okay, I’m now officially on withdrawl.  And I’ve jumped off the high diving board, which in real life, scares the crap out of me.  (Remind me later to tell you how I did this with a bunch of soon to be Marines.)

I come out to the living room to bitch.  The Mister tells me….”you have a bookcase full of books.”

Oh, okay.

DON’T

EVEN

START

THAT

WITH

ME

M I S T E R.

The book I fucking want to read is on this piece of shit machinery that I can’t even access!!!! You see my fucking problem??!?!?  Do you?!?!?

I

AM

NOT

HHHHAAAAAAPPPPPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!

Long work days, stress and life in general…some nights I just want to read, in bed, with a glass of wine.  This night I could not do that.  This gives new meaning to having heads spin and green pea soup spitting out of mouths.

Yea, I am stuck to the ceiling, like some poltergeist entity.  And at this exact moment in time, I prefer it.  Just leave me be – thank you.  If you pick at me like a scab on your leg – you will regret it.

Trust.  Me.

I turned the fucking iPad off and climbed into bed at 9:15PM.  Annoyed, with a side of pissy.  It was safest for everyone at that point.

CASE TWO:  Nokia Cell Phone.

I am on my third Nokia phone.  I am a sucker for the camera.  It’s great.  In the last two months the little fucker has frozen up FOR DAYS.

Can’t slide the screen to save my soul for anything.

I could be trapped on the escalator to hell and having one call to safety – royally screwed as the dumb ass Nokia is yet again frozen in time.

The previous Nokia phone, if I was on a call too long, it would start setting off the flash for the camera and would get too hot to hold.  Literally.

Not kidding.

Now it freezes and I can’t use it.

For days.

Annoys me to no end.

Should have gone with the iPhone.  Of course, after my debacle with the iPad this week (two visit to the Genius bar, I’m thinking I’m going back to string and tin can.)

CASE THREE:  The dryer.

I start laundry today….Saturday.  The first load goes into the dryer only for a minute or two ….. just to get the wrinkles out.  Nothing major.  Pull it out, hang it up without incident.

In goes load two.

10 minutes later I go in to take those delicate items out that need to be hung up so they don’t wrinkle.

Hey!  Where’s the heat?!  I’m like the little old lady from the Wendy’s commercial from year’s ago…”Where’s the beef?!”  I’m pissed.  You have to be kidding me.  Seriously?

I unplug the machine.  I turn the dial.  I check the filter.  I restart.  Hit the GO button.

A few minutes later…..

NO HEAT!

Are you kidding?!

I march out to the living room and state to The Mister:  “The dryer has no heat.”

He comes in and does the same thing I just did.  NOTHING.  I mean

N O T H I N G

Now the machine doesn’t even turn on.

We flip the breakers.  Nothing.

I have now decided not to touch anything that is plugged into the wall.

Unless you want an electric shocker…..don’t touch me.

I am shocking the shit out of everything.

If I could figure out how to turn this into a paying job……

 

 

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