Silence Was Not an Option

The one thing I enjoyed about living in Alaska was everything was bigger….especially the wildlife.  If something was going to get you, it was going to be something  B I G.

King Salmon.

Moose.

Bears.

Deer.

Sheep.

Lynx.

Fox.

Whales.

Seals.

Eagles.

Please note: we don’t have penguins contrary to popular belief.

We have BIG animals in Alaska.  None of this namby pamby shit that leap out from behind crap to get you.  Animals in Alaska are in your face tough.  They let you know up front, without any confusion, whose land it belongs to…….this is my land, you want it, you are going to have to come through me to get it.  Enough said and there usually aren’t any questions.

The rest of the United States, there’s some gray areas.  There’s total confusion as to where property lines are drawn and  humans and critters are having to fight for their rights on a daily basis.

Case in point:  the poor turtle I hit by accident on the highway.  Sorry buddy, stay on the greenway, avoid the hard top areas.  Hence, this is why he’s given a protective shell.  He bounced, tucked and rolled.  I’m pretty sure he’s fine once he got his hearing back and his tunnel vision sorted out.

Assorted water fowl on the fairway.  You know they’re all sorts of confused when they’re out there and they spot those golfers coming by on the carts.  It’s all they can do to hop on and go for a joy ride.  Gives new meaning to the Hop On and Hop Off Trolley Tour.  Hey Marge!  Let’s hop on over hole 14….I heard they just re-filled the sand trap – it’s extra cushy!  Oh Harold and the mid-mow on the fairway is so nice this time of year for nibbles.

The one thing I have no tolerance for are the rude creatures that cross into our habitat uninvited.  Get out.  There is no tiny door that says hard shelled creatures with more legs than an origami octopus – step right this way – I’m now serving number 24.  With a world so large, go find your own dark corner and stay far, far, away from all of my areas.

Go.

Now.

Poof.

Be gone.

On Sundays one of the last chores I do are the sheets.  I wash them.  Put the fabric softener on them and make the bed.  This happens not long before I actually climb into bed.  Once I get into bed, I plan to spend time playing Words with Friends or reading.  It’s relaxing and enjoyable.  Then it’s off to la la land…..

This particular Sunday was no different.

I am in bed.  I sleep on the left side.  Always.

Happily, I am reading a book on my iPad.  Out of no where, I see something out of the corner of my left eye.

Moving.

On.

The.

Floor.

Very slowly I turn my head.

C

R

A

P

^%$)) !

Along the jewelry boxes on the floor, there goes a bug.  Not any kind of bug.

A big bug.

Not any kind of big bug.

A Florida bug.

What kind of Florida bug?  A roach.

More specifically?

A Palmetto Bug.

What do you ask is special about a Palmetto Bug you wonder?

Think:  a giant flying roach.

In about two seconds I realize exactly what I’m seeing and calmly (for me) I leap up out of bed – the opposite side from where the bug is at and run towards the kitchen.

My first thought is, “PALMETTO BUG!”  I have to catch this thing.  I can’t kill it…it could have eggs….and BLAH.    When Eric was here, he had to catch a roach and did so with a plastic cup.  I run to the kitchen look for the plastic cups.  Then it dawns on me…..

How am I going to catch a flying roach with a plastic cup?  Forget the cups.  Get the Dyson!

I race to get the Dyson and run back to the bedroom.

By now, I see the giant roach is lumbering towards the closet.  When I say lumbering, I truly mean lumbering.  This bug had the worse case of jock itch I’ve ever seen.  Either that or it’s feet hurt so bad it just wanted to sit down.  Now I got a good look at the size of the thing and it’s as long as my index finger.

OMG!

If it goes into the closet, I’ll never find it and that will be the end of it!  I won’t be able to sleep with this thing in the house!

I start trying to get the extension hose and extension tubing pulled apart on the Dyson.  Damn the Swedish or German or whatever the hell engineering this machine is made with.  Pointless!  Obviously, the ball vacuum is not made for the common folk.

Release the hose!  RELEASE THE HOSE!  Extend the hose!!

It became very apparent you need to understand rocket science to figure out how to release the tubing then to attach the pole to the tubing to get the full extension.

By the time I get this whole process worked out, the roach has had three families and they have all disappeared into my closet and are now actively pursuing Amway distribution channels.  I stood with the Dyson wand, fully extended 12 feet in my hand, with the vacuum running…..for a good three minutes….without success.  I leave the Dyson plugged in and figure I will see the beast come out of the closest, as it is so big, it could set off car alarms simply by walking past cars.

I find the cat, who was in the living room sleeping.  Pick her up and put her in front of the closet.  “Get the roach”  I tell her.  She just looks at me.  Thought she’d be my alarm if it came back out.

I climb back into bed and call Eric to tell him the situation.

Not five minutes into the conversation, with Eric still on the phone.

Complete and utter pandamonium ensues and goes something like this:

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH   AWWWWWHHHHHHHH   UUUUUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhgggGGGGGGGGGGGGGG   WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA     AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL

WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK   SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT

The flying cockroach was suddenly on the bed and on me and on the bed and on me and I think on the bed and on me and the bed and on me.  All I know is I saw it on the left side of me.  And I took off screaming and running and screaming and running in the opposite direction….the cat right behind me.

I didn’t stop running and screaming until I got to the far end of the house when I couldn’t run any further.  That was only because there was a wall

Then the real problem set in:

How am I going to track down a flying cockroach?

It’s in here somewhere.  I ponder my options.  Really – two options.  Barricading myself in the bathroom overnight.  So what… then in the morning having it attack me when I open the door?  I think not.  It has to be found.  I could check myself into a hotel.  Over what a flying bug?  Come on.  I can’t live in a hotel until Eric gets here.  Well, I could. But seriously.  It’s a bug!

Liggy was hiding under the kitchen table.  I took one look at her, “You were supposed to warn me it was coming so I could get the Dyson ready.”

After about 15 minutes I got up enough nerve to get back into the bedroom.  I turn on the Dyson and with the wand in hand, I slowly start to navigate through the bedroom.  I was definitely not cut out for this nonsense.  Why are we afraid of these things?  We’re 1000 times bigger than these things, yet they scare the pants off us!  I would rather live with ghosts than bugs.  Honestly.

After about ten minutes and a good surface check – nothing.  I back out of the room.

Check the hallway.  Nothing.

Check the bathroom.  Nothing.

Through the dining room.  Nothing.

I start to go into the kitchen.

EUREKA!

It’s playing dead on the floor – just like the one the other day outside.

“Hasta la vista, baby!”   I lean forward with my Dyson wand and think, come on baby….suck this up…..come on….come on…..don’t fail me now.

ssssslllllluuuuurrrrrr…….hestiation…..hesitation…..hestitation….POP!

I let it whirl around for good measure before I turned it off and then dashed outside with the canister to jettison it’s sorry ass into the bushes.

Of course, now I have PTSD from the entire event.  Four times since I’ve been writing this, out of the corner of my eye, I see this black thing at the foot of the bed and I jump.  It’s the stupid tag on the blanket.  I’m going to cut it off right now before I give myself heart failure.

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