Fake…Fake….Fake…

If I had enough time I’d park myself at the Aventura Mall for an evening and people watch.  Wait, what am I saying, I just moved here and without my better half…I have plenty of time on the weekends to spend people watching.

OMG

The things I’ve seen.  I should have moved here earlier.

Honey, if you are wearing that bathing suit, I could wear that bathing suit, stretch pants, short shirt, sequined shirt, belly shirt, short shorts….and the list goes on.  Only have a dress basically made out of Shrinky Dinks?  Not a problem, put it on with some wedge shoes and hit the streets.

What?

Who you calling Ho?

OMG.

I feel like Elaine on Seinfield…..”Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.”  Oh wait she was talking about something else….  I’m talking about boobs, lips, cheeks and eyelashes.   On my way to work I drive past a sign that advertises for “Brazilian Butt Lifts.”

?

Then there are the women I see who if they blink they’re going to trip because their hamstrings are going to cinch up so tight from the movement of their eyelids.

Wow.

That’s all I’ve got.  Wow.

There’s a woman at work who wears fake eyelashes  I’m not talking your average, just a little something eyelash enhancement.  This lady has a full on caterpillar over each eye socket lashes.  Every time she comes to talk to a co-worker of mine all I can do is stare.  Those of you who know me know I am a fan of fake lashes, however I could never get away with wearing them along side my Calvin Klein dress.

Speaking of dress.  These shoes are going to kill me.  You have to wear heels with your dresses.  The problem?  In Miami they’re all OPEN TOED shoes.

I hate.

HATE.

HATE.

Toe clevage.

My second toe is longer than the big toe.  Enough said.

Then, there’s the issue of panty hose.  Yes.  I am wearing hose in Miami.  People were taking bets on how long the Alaskan was going to last in hose in Miami.  Well, here we are in week….four?  I’m still wearing hose.

I’m sweating.

My feet sweat.  (Of course, this is the least of my worries…foot sweat.)

The shoes chaff.  Blisters form and I’m hobbling along the sidewalk.

I took a survey of the ladies on my work team.  “When wearing open toed shoes, can you wear panty hose?”  NO!!!  Apparently one woman in the company does and she’s been made a mockery. They actually have her photo installed in each ladies room on hints of “how not to dress.”

Well alright then.  I found a solution….toeless pantyhose.  $20 a shot at Macy’s.  Genius invention.  The foot…the big toe goes in one hole, the rest through another.  A little piece of hose stitched together between the big an index toe.  Perfect.  God bless Donna Karan.

Last week I bought the cutest pair of Nine West OPEN TOE shoes at Ross.  A little too big but I thought for sure I could make them fit.  My feet are a 6.5 and the shoes were a 6.5.  Well, apparently I have narrow heels.  No matter how many inserts, heel guards, ball of foot pads I put into these shoes do they stay on my feet.  It’s like wearing 4 inches flip flops.

Stupid.

 

 

 

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One thought on “Fake…Fake….Fake…

  1. Aunt Kathy

    Oh My Oh My!! You think you’ve seen skin, just wait till you hit the beaches!! It will be a full out Brazilian EVERYTHING! Don’t forget the camera because your eyes won’t believe what they are seeing. You miss ALOT living in Alaska!
    Enjoy

    Reply

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