Either Drive It or Get Out and Push It

I live in a town of 30,000 residents.

We have about 45 miles of road.

It’s a dead-end road.

We have a long running joke in the tourism industry:  You can get to Juneau one of three ways: boat, plane or birth canal.  Terrible, I know….cue the drum riff.

Which leads me to ponder the car alarm issue.  Where do you think they’re going to take your car?  To the end of the road? Turn around and come back?

Oh wait.  I got it.  They’ll steal the car, go out to the ferry terminal and buy a ticket to Skagway or Bellingham and escape that way.  Smart – except they’ll have to sit in the ferry parking lot for hours waiting for the ferry to arrive.  Or it could be days, should they jack your car on an off day.  Or even longer if the ferry is down for maintenance – AGAIN.

Remember when car alarms first came out?  One would go off and people would automatically start looking around for the guilty party.  Now everyone is annoyed.   Car alarms don’t do anything but make the local population roll their eyes and mutter, “jackass.”   Words are even more colorful when it’s going off on a POS.

If you are truly worried about someone jacking your car here’s a suggestion: get a kill switch.  Duh.

Another thing with cars and their drivers – you should be able to see the road if you’re planning on driving.  When you test drive the car, and you can’t see over the steering wheel you shouldn’t be buying that car.  If all anyone sees are 8 knuckles griping the top of the wheel – we have an issue.  Shit! It’s the Headless Horseman – quick call the National Enquirer.  Those people are a danger to society.

A while back, my mom bought a car.  She was meeting us in town for lunch.  I hadn’t seen the new car yet, nor did I remember what kind of car she had purchased.  A car pulls up and my better half says, “Is that your mom?”

Well, hell if I know, it looks like the car is driving itself.  There’s nobody behind the wheel.

Eight little white knuckles strangling the steering wheel was all I could see.

Sure enough – it’s mom. When she got out of the car I told her:

“You can’t drive that car.  All I can see is the top of your head and your knuckles.  You can’t even see the road.”  We continued to debate the issue and I got behind the wheel.  Good grief, I had to stretch my neck like a turkey to try and see over the dash board.  She bought a low-rider disguised as a station wagon.

If you have to claw your way out of the seat upon exiting the vehicle, it’s not for you.

If the words: Stop. Drop. And Roll…. have new meaning when getting out of your car – it’s the wrong car.

If you have to fold yourself up like a preying mantis to get inside your car – you may want to look at a different model.
If you open your car door and the first thing to hit the ground are your hands as you roll out of the car – you might want to think about the next size up.

When your mom asks you to give her a boost from behind to help her out of the car – the car has to be returned.

Needless to say, she exchanged the new car for one where I can now tell it’s my mother behind the wheel.  Thank you.

I would love to have the new Camaro.  Meow.  However two things prevent me from full filling my wish.  First, I can’t see over the hood very easily.  Second, we don’t have a Chevy dealer.  Every time I see one of those cars my mouth starts to water.  My heart starts beating like I’m running on a hamster wheel.  And my bat hearing is increased to hear that velvety purrrrr of the V6.

These are things you should note to yourself for potential reference in the future.  Should we be walking down the street and one goes by.  Yes, I stop, stare and drool a little.




Maybe I could get a couple Miami or LA phone books…..tape them together and use them as booster seats or more likely foot extensions for the pedals.

If you can’t drive your car you’re going to have an issue parallel parking.  How many times have I stood on the sidewalk in town and thought, “I should really offer to help them parallel park.”  Doesn’t matter.  Left.  Right.  I can zip in there.   Forget about hand – eye coordination.  I’ve got this!

Double cab pick up truck?  Got it.

40 foot motorcoach?  You betcha.

Explorer filled with chatty chicks?  No problem.

Tiny Norman, my beloved little red Yaris?  Not even a hesitation.

I am patient with people who try to parallel park.  I won’t drive up your ass.  I’ll sit back watching and waiting.  Secretly, I’m providing you with a numbered score card and running commentary as if we’re on the Wide World of Sports network.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like it’s going to be a beaut.  She’s going to drive straight into that spot.  Never mind backing up and reversing.  Wow.  Made for a Camry, but she’s driving an Astro Van.  This isn’t going to be pretty.  I almost can’t look.  Oh so close!  Was that a bumper tap?

Watch out folks! Here’s someone who is determined to get that Ford Explorer paralleled parked.  Zipped right up to get into reverse to claim that space.  Oh no!  Was an overshot on the first attempt.  They’re maintaining their calm and going on to attempt number two.  Spinning those wheels sharply to the left, oh once again they cut it too short and can’t get their nose in.  Well, if you were to ask me I’d say it’s quite like the story of Pinocchio…..every time you tell a lie, your nose grows!  Every time you try harder to get that beast of a car into that spot….the hood gets bigger and bigger.

Darn it – they’re giving up and with a huff heading out of here.  Well, thanks for that – I’ll be happy to have this spot!

Lastly, do the speed limit.  OMG people I could out run some of you.  If you can’t do the actual speed limit at least get close!   If it says 50 – go at least 48.  Doing twenty miles per hour BELOW the speed limit is pointless.  Take my word, you are driving us all crazy.

Stop it.

You’re going to get yourself killed.

All you’re doing is causing people to have to go to the chiropractor since their backs are thrown out due to banging their fists on the steer wheel.  AND the dentist is getting fat with income as we’re all grinding our teeth down to tiny nubs with your idiot driving.

If you can’t drive, pull it over to the side, ditch your keys and take the bus.

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