I couldn’t believe my luck.

I’m wheeling my way to self check out at Fred Meyers and of course, for giggles,  go past the RETURNS counter.  It’s become a game 23 days after my purchase.  Yes, I’m  carrying my underware around in my purse.  Should the opportunity present itself for return, I don’t want to miss it!

A disappointment.  My buddy was manning the counter (pun intended) and the line was at least a dozen deep.  Never mind.

As I wait in the self check out lane, something catches my eye.  Wait.  What?  Seriously?

I’d recognize that face anywhere.  What does he think he’s doing?  The Returns Guy walks right past me heading towards the Starbucks counter.


He must be on break!

Holy shit, let’s get this line moving – I’ve got panties to return!

It’s as if the stars are suddenly aligning.  A lane opens up, I have no issues with any of the bar codes and quickly make my way out of the check out and quickly head towards the return counter.

Of course, I slow down and approach the counter with caution. It’s taken me 23 days to get to this point and I don’t want to be overtaken by a wild jackal at the last minute – having the guy show up unexpectedly.   I look over both shoulders to see if he is heading back this direction.

Have you ever seen the show, “Impractical Jokers?”  They should do a returns counter episode – they’re missing a perfect opportunity.

With one customer in line, I slowly edge my way into the waiting gate.  Now there are two female employees working behind the counter.  Please, let’s just get this over with.  One lady is helping a grand-mom with a return requiring multiple credit card refunds and gift card exchanges.  The other one is performing CPR on a Western Union request.

Finally, the grandmother moves out of the way and the lady in front of me moves forward to return a shirt.

Come on!

Come on!

Still no sign of the guy.

OMG – Western Union – either you got the money or you don’t!

Finally, single shirt lady moves out and it’s my turn.


I approach the desk I am so excited, I practically shout, “I have a return!” as I slam down the panties and receipt on the counter.  You would have thought I just won a hand at poker I was so excited!

She didn’t ask me a single question.

I didn’t have to fill out any forms.

She found the tag without issue.

In under 30 seconds, I returned my panties and got my money back.

As I turned my cart around and head out towards the parking lot – guess who I pass?

Nobody of interest.  I don’t know where my little buddy went, but thank heavens it only took me three weeks to get my return completed.  Lesson learned:  read the labels completely – even if it means having to read it twice.

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