Camel Toe, The New Fashion Accessory

Seriously?
I don’t want to see it.
But in the Miami sweatshine, I mean sunshine….when the girl is wearing shiny silver shorts, like a roller derby champion, although she’s not one, the camel toe calls out like a fog horn in the night.

“Look at me”
“Yoooo Hoooo”
“Down here”
“Can you see me now?”

It was like a hot dog bun wrapped up in tin foil. Gives a whole new meaning to “blinded by the light.” Damn. You know they make pads for that now. If you’re insistent on wearing pants, short, capris etc, that are too tight, wear this pad to avoid the toe.

Very rarely do you ever see “The Toe” in Alaska. It’s a very mysterious creature here in the Last Frontier. The best you’ll see is a little mid-drift, or in some case…fully loaded mid-drift that is on the verge of giving a sumo wrestler a run for their money.

I’m not fat by any means. However, if I was and had more frontal property than a homeowner on South Beach….the kind where someone might mistake me for being pregnant….and had the nerve to ask when the “blessed event” was going to take place…. I think I’d probably politely tell them I’m not pregnant then shout “I’M A SUMO WRESTLER!” Then I’d flail my arms around and get into a wrestling position and look at them, waiting to make a move.

Seriously, the outfits people wear are bad. Like sour milk bad. It’s the kind of bad that gives you the chill when you sniff it. Short shorts, cheap cheetah half shirts and double discount wedgie shoes that you can’t walk in – don’t make you look cute. It makes you look ridiculous. When you have to stop every 30 feet to adjust your shoe insole – here’s a hint: they’re cheap = throw them out! Honestly.

If your boyfriend is telling you to wear the short jean shorts – stop him right there. Nobody is wearing jean shorts these days. And please tell me you didn’t just make those jean shorts from an old pair of jeans at home…that DON’T FIT!

Finally, the women in those long, floor length, summer gowns – all cotton that usually tie around the neck…. If you have a big ass you’d be better off wearing actual camouflage pants than those giant dresses that fall over your butt. Yes, it hides your rolls but it highlights your jiggles. If I want to see two elephant seals fighting, I’d watch the Discovery Channel.

And furry men, keep your shirts on. Thank god we’re all not attracted to the same thing. I just can’t stomach overweight men in tank tops with fur….sweating everywhere. At first I thought he was wearing a sweater!

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