If You Were To Ask Me…This Is What I’d Do.

Do you ever find yourself watching someone do something and you think to yourself, “You know what would make it better? Easier?”

Last night I was at a rehearsal for a performance and long story short, I kept coming up with suggestions on how to make it a better act for this one group. My friend and I were full of suggestions but it wasn’t our place to blurt out our thoughts. We weren’t the choreographers or the director or anything. Just an act in the show.

It was obvious to us what this group could do. But alas, not our problem.

It’s like being in the check out line at the grocery. You know, the one that says, “Under 12 Items” and the person in front of you clearly has DOUBLE the amount. If I was the cashier, I would tell them to put their stuff back in their little cart and high tail it over a lane. But no. They’re up there grinding their teeth probably thinking this poor chap apparently can’t read. Or they can’t count.

Have you ever been driving behind a really slow person on the highway? One who can’t seem to get close to the speed limit? Finally you pass them and they’re busy chatting on the phone. I wish I had a sign I could post in my back window: Hang up and DRIVE! These people wonder why people are passing them, honking and flipping them off. They’re annoyed with US! Well duh, you self-absorbed ninny….do us all a favor: Either pull over and finish your conversation, as you obviously can’t multi-task or here’s an idea: HANG UP AND DRIVE.

Parents, in the grocery, why, why, why….do you let your kids pull stuff off the shelves? Solution: stores should make the aisles a little wider – then parents could easily drive the cart down the middle of the aisle, allowing plenty of space for the rest of us to go around them. It would be a blessing. Pushing your cart, loaded with a kid in the seat, near the shelves, only encourages them to grab and throw. It’s like being in a B-flick horror movie. The kid grabs a box of macaroni and hurls it at the granny. She collapses on the floor and a zombie comes crawling out from under the shelving unit to eat her.

Either make the aisles bigger or provide duct tape to secure their arms/hands to their bodies. It could be like Band-Aids. Which do you want? Spiderman or Princesses?

My last solution would be to get rid of the damn paper bags the movie popcorn is served in. I enjoy the movies. The fuckin’ crinkling of the bags is enough to send me through the roof of the theater. People are digging through those bags like they might find a prize at the bottom. Eat from the top. Don’t dig. Yes, I have been known to yell out, “STOP IT!” ” ENOUGH ALREADY!”

If I was ever captured by Russian spies and tortured, all they’d have to do is put me in a room with people and the damn popcorn bags….digging, digging, digging, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. The whole bag is filled with popcorn, what are you doing? If you only like the ones with butter, you should have asked for more butter. And thrusting your fist into the bag, behind my head…then shaking your fingers wildly at the bottom to find that non-existent popcorn prize it going to land me in your lap and pummel you like a UFC fighter.

Instead, let’s use cloth bags that can be washed and reused after each show. Problem solved. While we’re on it – get rid of the JUMBO TUBS of popcorn. Nobody in America needs JUMBO anything these days, unless it’s a pile of cash.

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