Three things to know about me:
1. I’m not a prude.
2. I’ve sunbathed on a nudest beach.
3. I have nudest friends.
Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you what happened yesterday morning at the gym. After checking in at the front desk, I merrily head into the ladies locker room – excited only enough as one can be when you realize you have an 45 minutes of cardio coming up.
Now, when you open the door to the locker room you immediately have to turn left and the lockers are straight ahead of you – about 6 full strides. When I took that left yesterday morning, luckily there are non-skid mats on the floor, otherwise, I would have most definitely found myself taking out the garbage can and knocking over the floral arrangement as I tried to keep upright and act normal.
Behold full frontal nudity.
Arms above the head – fluffing their wet hair with the towel.
It was like going to an all inclusive resort, where you flip through the TV channels and suddenly realize the porn channels are free. One minute you’re watching Bobby Flay challenge a chef from Detroit and the next minute you’re seeing what I can only call wet meat and a lot of legs.
There I stood, like a deer in headlights. Still in my purple puffy coat, hat, scarf and socks (you have to take your shoes off at the front door.) What the hell was that? I think I just went blind. I don’t need this at this hour of the day. Quickly I think to myself, I could suddenly stop and wash my hands. Or better yet, use the toilet, then wash my hands. While still in my coat? Really. Just go get a locker. Get a grip on yourself.
It’s not like I haven’t seen women naked in the locker room before. It happens all the time. However, this girl thought she was attending a show and tell. I’m busy trying to find out where modesty went and it’s nowhere to be found. I like being modest. I don’t need everyone to see what I’ve got. Myself, God, my doctor and my better half know what I’ve got and that is good enough for me thank you.
As I approach the locker area, still partially blinded, I realize….shit, I think I know her. Are you kidding me? Well this is awkward. The upside is my usual locker is free so I head straight for it. The downside is it’s located about four down from her’s. And she’s taking up the entire bench. When I say entire bench, I’m saying I couldn’t even put my water bottle down.
Now I’m stuck with the idiotic panic of probably knowing this girl. If it’s her…then we actually worked together this summer. I’ve seen her in here over the last few months and we don’t say anything other than a “Hi, how’s it going.” Well I can’t start a conversation now, because I’m trying to ignore her. And she had that towel on her head, which changed her appearance. It’s not like I would recognize her in a lineup of naked woman from the neck down – so I’ll just pretend I’m in my own world. Which, for now, due to safety reasons, I am.
La la la la
Small fuzzy pets.
Then it happens. Using my stealthy peripheral vision I see, in shear horror, she has put her leg up on the bench to apply body lotion. WAH! Kooka! Kooka! I don’t want to see your Kooka! Put it away! OMG where is your modesty? For the love of God, woman! Did you want me to run over and slap a blue medal ribbon on you or something? Cheese-Its!
La la la la la
Going to Barnes & Noble.
Snuggling with FeeBee cat.
La La La.
Loved that movie “Red” and the pink pig
La la la
As I’m pondering whether to acknowledge her or not…because I don’t want to be rude and we obviously saw each other. Although I’d say I saw more of her than I wanted….another lady comes into the locker area and starts chatting with her.
I swear she says to naked woman: “I like your outfit.”
Naked woman: “thanks.”
I pause for a nano-second. Was that a pick up line?
That’s it! I’m outta here. I slam my locker door and punch in the security code. I probably left sneaker tracks high tailing it out of there so fast.
Of course, as I dash out the door to head up to the cardio machines I nearly trip over the Creepy Fucker – figures.
Today, I’ll admit, I’m a little afraid to go back to the gym. At least I got my sight back.