Can You Hear Me Now?

Could someone please….invent a portable language interpretation device? Maybe I haven’t found it yet at the local Brookstone Store. Oh wait, I live in Juneau, Alaska – we don’t have a Brookstone. Damn. I don’t even have a Taco Bell for that matter.

This device would have to be small and light. It would also have to be cute. I’ve tried using the delightful “Point It” book but all I get are blank expressions and more confusion. I’m thinking I could strap it to the voice box area and it could interpret what is being said automatically.

Does anyone else get frustrated with not understanding what is being said to them?

Urgent looking eyes.
Angry eyes.
Frustration.
Hissing.
Spittle.
Failing arms in all directions.
Stomping off in confusion.
Yelling louder and louder…hoping to get your point across.

I’m thinking, in an ideal world, I would hold up the device to the throat of the person I’m speaking to, so I can understand what they’re saying. Then I could hold it up to my throat to translate my answer. That seems logical.

Maybe it could have accents too. British, Australian, American, Russian, French, Scottish. If it had an accent capability, then maybe it could come with a function to read random bits of information to you. For example:

Can’t sleep at night? Switch on the “Dream Story” and listen to a sexy Scottish man, like Sean Connery, read the phone book to you…yummy!

Having a hard time getting motivated to get up? Switch on the “Rise and Shine” function and listen as an Asian Drill Sergent, with the enthusiasm of Richard Simmons, motivates your ass out of bed.

Need some encouragement to discipline children or jump off the high dive? Switch on the “You Can Do It” and get into gear as a man who sounds suspiciously like Vladimir Putin whips your weak heart into shape. (Of course, I just like saying the name Putin….and actually had a cat named Putin….who I nicknamed….Poot Poot. Probably wasn’t the best choice of a name, but it made me laugh.)

But of course, it wouldn’t be complete without the “Lover” program. Within a quick 3 minutes, a smooth talking Frenchman will have you melting like chocolate over a strawberry.

Unfortunately, as of yet, I haven’t found such a device. Rosetta Stone won’t help me either. Would I use it in my travels all of the world? Perhaps. In all honesty, the reason I want to find one of these devices is so I can attach it to my cat FeeBee.

She is driving me nuts.

She’s lost most, if not all, of her hearing.

Huh?

What?

Luckily she still has her eyesight.

Where’d you go?

She screeches all the time. At the top of her lungs. If I’m in the same room — she screeches then looks at me. If I’m in bed at night, she tears around downstairs and then let’s loose these gurgling shrieks….that used to send me bolting down the stairs —- thinking she’s injured.

First time it happened I leaped out of bed, grabbed a bath towel and went running. She was a the bottom of the stairs looking at me:

blink.
blink.
blink.

I stood half-way down the stairs with my mouth hanging open.
Are you serious?
What?
It’s bed time.
GO. TO. BED!

She’s not a kitten. She’s not a teenager aching to get out of the house. FeeBee is in her elderly years and is hell bent on driving me crazy with this new found vocal routine.

She yells at me and then looks at me. Then she’ll yell a little louder. And look at me. She’ll soften her shriek and look at me. All day we could go without the screaming routine and then suddenly….she let’s 4 yells go all at once. Almost like she forgot and had to get her quota out. If I could just figure out what she wants….

I love her more than anything (don’t tell her sister or my better half) but damn girl….I need some help here!

I’m suspicious that she’s really asking for the keys to the car, so she and her sister can go joy riding. Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.

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