Jesus Is Your Spa Host

I survived the arrival at the resort….hola, hola, hoola, oohya, oh yeah….OY, I need an asprin. Last night we decided to go to the spa for a reflexology massage and the water treatment series. They have a fancy word for the water series like : Tranquil Oasis Palm Flowers for the Soul Water Treatment. I don´t remember what it was, but something like that.

After wandering around the resort grounds….and my cousin stopping a staff member and saying, “Hola! Spa?” (which cracked me up as that was my style in Montreal….with a questioning expression she says…..) We arrive at this beautiful building. Ahhhh and look at those pools! There is a huge, giant, enormous, water faucet that cascades water down like a waterfall. I can hardly wait to get in. We check in and they escourt us to another counter. Jesus arrives. (actually pronounced as : Hey Zeus…..mental note to self. As I thought the second coming of Christ was here….damn, and I am in Mexico.)

Jesus takes us to the woman´s locker room and tells us to put on our suits. He will meet us back out front. Alrighty then.

Jenn and I arrive back out front and I am so excited to get under that giant faucet. Oh no….he takes us to another wing of the spa and tells us to take off our towels and get in the shower. (I am thinking, first of all if I take this towel off, you will be blinded by my halibut white skin. My skin is the same shade as powered milk. The second thought was….are you getting in with us? Good lord, what have we gotten into.)

Into the circular showers we go. Jesus wanders away to hang up our towels then returns. NEXT! We then head into the steam room. It is a lovely semi-circular room with blue tiles. Jesus tells us “six minutes.” We sit down and look at each other. Both without flip flops, my cousin says what I was thinking: This room is a hot bed of germs. After splashing ourselves with cold water from the faucet inside the steam room, Jesus returns and takes us to the pool.

You can imagine my excitment. Although no towels to dry off…so there we go parading through the area in our suits, as I blind the tourists with my milk skin. Awesome. We are directed into the pool and Jesus tells us to go over to what appears to be a hot tub.

He tells us “this is for your legs and butt” or something….it was hard to hear. As we approach the whirling waters he tells us to stand back to back. I, of course, am thinking how are we going to stand up in the hot tub. Well that area was like a cyclone. Jenn and I start in and the force is so strong, I am pushing her into the currents….”get back in there….don´t fly out of the current….oh my god we are going to drown in here…..get in there!” At this point Jesus is yelling at us to “grab the bars! Grab the bars!”

shit! What bars….I am too busy trying to push Jenn in ahead of me. We finally find the bars. Holy hell. This is like being inside of a blender….and it is supposed to do what for us? I couldn´t stop laughing. Water is flying everywhere and the two of us are holding on for dear life. Finally Jesus comes back and tells us it´s time to move on to the next stage. We release the bars and shoot out like salmon going down a waterslide.

Next up super jets under water that are supposed to work on your back and stomach. We attach ourselves to the bars again and immediately I have concerns my suit is going to be ripped off. Well, this will be embarassing. Then everyone will see my Kooka is what I am thinking.

Long story short, we finally get to the wonderful, enormouns water faucet. It is for your shoulders. Well the water hits so hard that I couldn´t open my eyes. Jenn was under a single faucet, that when we switched reminded me that must be what it´s like to be hit with a fire hose. and this is relaxing?

We continued on to new stations, one after the other. Walk on rocks…it massages the feet. Stand in a 12 head shower to rinse off, now to the shower where you pull the cord and bucket of water falls on your head. This is more of an episode out of Seinfeld with the two of us. The last three stations involved being taken into a room with a tub full of shaved ice. Jesus tells us to rub our bodies with ice. Jenn throws it at the door. I throw some on my body then on the floor. Jesus comes back and doesn´t appear happy with us. I blame my cousin.

Next up the sauna for 7 minutes and finally the cold water plunge. Five seconds…down the stairs into the pool of ice, full body dip and back up where Jesus stands with the towel and tells you “good job.” It was like suriving Fear Factor.

Today we are off to a new adventure. I am hopeful to get my pillow that I requested from the pillow menu last night. However it took too long to arrive and I ended up going to bed. That would explain the knocking on our door in the middle of the night. Jenn asked about it this morning, I told her it was probably the pillows.

Onwards and upwards. I think we are going to Cozumel today….watch out.

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